Qui$ha. Like Ke$ha, but more quiche-like.

Corrupted Brother: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at scholarships (I assumed he knew what those are since he knows about Megan Fox…I mean what 4 year old DOESN’T know about scholarships?)
CB: What are scholarships? (ok, I guess I was wrong.)
Me: They are things that give me money for college.
CB: WAIT. STEVE FROM BLUE’S BLUES GOES TO COLLEGE.
Me: Oh really?
CB: Yeah, Steve can bring his pillow to college.
Me: So am I like Steve?
CB: *looks at me for a second*
Yup.

So apparently I’m like an old bald dude with really bad veneers. Thanks a lot.

Anyway…I’ve had two fun filled days. Yesterday I went shopping and today I got a necklace from my lovely blogger friend Kait Culbertson. Oh and I was sung to yesterday. Jealous? I’ve already told like 5 people this story, but I need to tell it again.

You are not allowed to judge, but I enjoy Hot Topic. I only buy normal stuff there, I swear. No gauges for me, only Dr. Who shirts and buttons that say “cool story, bro.” My aunt got me a bag with the Beatles’ Abbey Road picture on it for my birthday, and I used it yesterday when I went to the mall. I walked into Hot Topic with my friend and the guy who worked there (Bryan) said “Hey, I really like your bag.” I said thanks, figuring the conversation would be over. Nope. He then said “So, I guess you like the Beatles?” And I said “Yeah, I was kinda raised on them.” And it went downhill from there. He proceeded to tell me all about how he was too and then he asked if I had heard of a band called City of Colours. I stupidly said yes, and then he said “Ok, don’t tell anyone, but I’m going to turn off the heavy metal and put on some acoustic stuff by City of Colours.” So he started playing their music through the store speakers…and singing to me. Twice. He actually had a semi-decent voice, but it was odd hearing a heavily tattooed and pierced dude sing a pretty song to me…and it was also odd to be heavily hit on by the same guy. By the time I left, I was actually surprised he hadn’t proposed. Weirdest experience of my young life? I think yes.

Also, I spent the day with my friend Katie. After a long period of not talking, I think we actually get along much better than we did pre-awkward fight. And I didn’t even think it was weird when she accidentally pulled multiple items of clothing off the rack at Forever 21. I missed her.

Earlier today, my brother ran up to my room holding a letter and laughing. He’s like what is this?! It was a letter from Kait addressed to *real first name* Piccola Gordon-Levitt Italiana *real last name*. It would have been perfect if she had added Bale to it. What was inside the letter? Uh, only two friendship necklaces. One for Marie and one for me. Kait has the Union Jack one, Marie has the double decker bus, and I have the telephone booth. It’s pretty much one of the coolest things I’ve ever gotten. Also, Kait is one of those people who can say, “Heeeeeey, did you ever realize that seals are like mermaid dogs. That’s weird.” without thinking anything of it. Exhibit A why we get along so well.

Now that I’m done with all of that, let’s discuss quiche. Once upon a time, I had a friend whose parents’ favorite meal was spinach quiche. I bet you’re thinking hey, spinach quiche. Potentially good, right? WRONG. It was disgusting and they would make it All. The. Time. It was painful for 8-year-old me to simultaneously pretend to like it and try not to barf. It was about that time that I got very good at multi-tasking. Needless to say, I was scared of quiche for a while. Then I found out you didn’t have to make it with spinach. You could make it with other normal foods, like bacon and cheese and onions. Which is exactly what I do now.

I’m not sure if this is a good recipe or not, since the only other recipe I’ve tried that I can compare it to is the Disgusting Quiche From Heck That Probably Comes Alive At Night one, but I like it. It also doesn’t have a crust, so it’s gluten free. Could life get better? Actually yeah, my life would be much better if I hadn’t been traumatized by stupid spinach quiche. I swear that explains all my problems.

Crustless Quiche

1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 onion, chopped
1 pound bacon, thawed
6 eggs, beaten
2 1/2 cups shredded swiss cheese
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

Lightly grease a 9 inch pie pan.

Place bacon on a foil-lined cookie sheet. Put bacon into a cold oven, set oven temperature to 400 F, and bake for 15-18 minutes, or until cooked. Finely chop bacon after it has cooled.

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Saute onions, then stir in bacon so the delicious flavors of bacon and onion are melded together and make you start drooling. In a large bowl, combine eggs, cheese, salt and pepper. Add bacon/onion mixture and stir to blend. Scoop into prepared pie pan.

Bake in preheated oven until eggs have set, about 30 minutes. Let cool for 10 minutes before serving. Ha, just joking. Dig right in and burn your mouth. It’s so worth it.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Or you could just chuck your alarm clock at them.

Are you tired (no pun intended) of continuously hitting the snooze button in the mornings, just to realize that you’ve overslept and now have approximately 4 minutes to get ready for school/work? I have the solution. Get the song Circle of Life from the movie The Lion King, set it as your alarm on your phone, and then, when the guy sings in African at the beginning of the song, I guarantee that you’ll be awakened to sound of the onset of Atrial Fibrillation.

Obviously, I only set that alarm (which I aptly named: good morning, it’s time for your daily panic attack) when I NEED to be awake the next morning at a certain time. For example, last night I stayed up until past midnight watching a documentary on Lyme disease (don’t judge) and didn’t feel like waking up earliy-ish today. I also watched The Truman Show for the first time. It’s a great movie, but Jim Carrey is awful as a serious actor. Watching him fake cry was about as awkward as Greg Page unretiring from The Wiggles and kicking his replacement Sam out of the group. I mean…uhhh…I don’t know who The Wiggles are and I’ve definitely never seen them live in concert with my family.

You know what’s worse than being awakened to the sound of BAAAAAHHHSOWHENYAHHHHMAMABEATSEBABAAHHHH? When you’re having a dream about your mom’s friend who is about to tell you the reason why a particularly nasty girl you know is so vile, the sound of stupid roofers drilling into the side of your house wakes you up. You heard me right. Our next door neighbors are getting their roof replaced and the guys insist on starting at around 6am every morning. This morning they drilled plywood panels over our windows so they don’t break them when they’re throwing slate around. I don’t want to talk about it.

I need to stop talking about the roofers because now my inner-Sicilian is baring its fangs and I’m going to hold grudges against all of them until forever. So let’s talk about this mac and cheese which I’ve dubbed the mayor of Comfort Food Land. It’s delish. I actually have no words to describe it other than…uhhh, it’s delish. I’m really not good with words. I’m not sure if you can tell but the brand of pasta we use is Tinkyada and it’s great. It doesn’t taste gluten free at all. It gets a bit mushy if you overcook it, but if you smother it in cheese, it’s fine. But what else is new?

Baked Mac and Cheese

Adapted from All Recipes

1 1/2 cups uncooked elbow macaroni
1/4 cup butter
1 1/2 tablespoons cornstarch
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
2 cups milk
8 ounces American cheese, shredded
8 ounces Monterey Jack cheese, shredded
1/2 cup seasoned dry bread crumbs

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Butter a 1 1/2 quart casserole dish. Bring a saucepan of lightly salted water to a boil. Add macaroni, and cook until not quite done, about 6 minutes. If you’re using gluten free pasta you’ll probably have to cook it for about 13 minutes, because if you eat it after it has cooked for 6 minutes, you might as well eat concrete. Drain the pasta.

In a separate saucepan, melt the butter over medium heat. Blend in the cornstarch and pepper, stirring like a madman or else the cornstarch will get all lumpy and no one wants a lumpy butter/cornstarch sauce, right? Slowly stir in the milk, beating out any lumps in the mixture, even though I explicitly told you to make sure there weren’t any lumps. Disobedient. Add the cheeses and stir constantly until the sauce is thick and smooth.

Stir the noodles into the cheese sauce. Transfer the mixture to the prepared casserole dish. Sprinkle bread crumbs over the top.

Cover the dish, and bake for 20 to 25 minutes, or until sauce is thick and bubbly.

Also, I made the breadcrumbs by toasting two slices of Udi bread, sticking them in the food processor, and adding oregano, salt, pepper, and parsley. Om nom nom.

When the asparagus hits your eye like a big pizza pie. That’s…painful.

What’s the weirdest thing you did yesterday? I shaved asparagus. That automatically trumps any weirdness in your day. I win.

I don’t like vegetables. I like Oxford commas, I like 40′s jazz, I like Chuck Taylor high tops, hey, I even like Matthew from Downton Abbey (when he’s not being annoying). But I really hate vegetables. Well, with the exception of zucchini and…uhh, that’s it… zucchuni is good. I pretty much have to trick myself into eating any veggies. What’s wrong with me? Besides the fact that yesterday I Googled “How can you tell if potatoes are ripe?” and then realized…duh.

I was browsing Annie’s Eats earlier this week and saw her recipe for Shaved Asparagus Pizza. Oh and when I say browsing, I was pretty much shaking my laptop and screaming WHY MUST ALL HER FOOD LOOK SO DELICIOUS?! I mean moorish. I’m trying to incorporate some British slang into my vocabulary to make me sound more mysterious, mate. Um, yeah. Anyway, the pizza looked good, so I made it. That’s usually my train of thought with food. It looks good therefore I shall eat it. Sometimes it even goes it’s edible therefore I shall eat it. Word of advice: never eat grass. My friend and I had a grass eating contest when we were little. I beat him, but it so wasn’t worth it. The end.

My mom wasn’t a big fan of the pizza and my sister with Celiac had multiple helpings. What does that mean? Not sure. But I enjoyed it and I’d probably make it again. I liked the sweet potato fries too (that’s what those orange things are up there), although they tasted a bit like that sweet potato casserole with the marshmallows on top that you make for Thanksgiving. You know, the one that I always get a huge helping of just to eat the melted marshmallows. I always thought the sweet potatoes were just there for decoration.

Oh and thanks mom for taking the pictures tonight while I was at the gym *pause for laughter*

Shaved Asparagus Pizza

From Annie’s Eats

pizza dough (my gluten-free version is found here)
Olive oil, for brushing
8 oz. asparagus spears
4 oz. fresh mozzarella, thinly sliced (I used shredded mozzarella. Shhhhhh, don’t tell anyone)
3 oz. spreadable garlic herb cheese, such as Boursin or Trader’s Point Creamery garden herb fromage blanc
Kosher salt and freshly ground pepper

Preheat the oven to 425 F. Make pizza dough and prebake it as it says in the recipe. Brush with olive oil.

Cut the tough woody stems off the ends of the asparagus spears.  Use a vegetable peeler to shave the spears into ribbons.  I used about 6 spears, but you can add more or less, depending on how much you like stringy green things on your pizza.

Place the mozzarella over the pizza dough in an even layer.  Pile the asparagus shavings over the top of the mozzarella.  Dot the surface of the pizza with the garlic herb cheese.  Season with kosher salt and pepper.

Bake until the cheese is melted and bubbling and the crust is lightly browned, about 10-12 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool slightly before slicing and serving. Enjoy.

Sweet Potato Fries

Also from Annie’s Eats

2 medium sweet potatoes, peeled
2 tbsp. olive oil
2 tbsp. light brown sugar
1/2 tsp. kosher salt, plus extra for sprinkling
1/2 tsp. freshly ground black pepper

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or aluminum foil greased with cooking spray.

Halve the sweet potatoes lengthwise and cut each half into long spears. Make sure to get lots of blisters on your hand from cutting the dumb potatoes. Not that I did that…  (Soak in cold water for 20-30 minutes before continuing for crispy texture outside.  Drain well and pat dry.)  Place the potato spears on the sheet pan and toss with olive oil.  Spread them in a single layer.  Combine the brown sugar, salt, and pepper and sprinkle on the potatoes.  Bake for 15 minutes, then turn with a spatula or tongs.  Bake for another 5 to 10 minutes, until lightly browned.  Sprinkle lightly with kosher salt and serve hot. Devour.

All you need is love/potato salad

I have a question. And before you ask, no, it’s not “Why won’t Christian Bale marry me?” or “Why can’t I be more like Kevin Clash, the guy who does Elmo’s voice on Sesame Street?” or even “Why can’t all food be coated in peanut butter and/or chocolate, deep fried, and then fed to me by Christian Bale while Elmo tells me a story?” No. Especially that last one, since it makes me doubt my sanity a bit. It’s “What are Ryan Reynolds turkey meatballs”? Ryan Reynolds turkey meatballs has become a daily term people google to find my blog. Could someone please explain? I’m officially weirded out. And Kevin Clash is seriously amazing. Not that I watched a documentary on him last night and I’m seriously resisting watching it again right now…

Also, Downton Abbey Christmas special? Can we discuss please? First off, the whole Bates and Anna drama needs to go away. I know I wasn’t the only one who secretly wanted Bates to hang. And I say that in the least morbid way possible. You understand. The scene where they all dance together was adorable. Especially when The Dowager and Thomas dance. *SWOON* On an adorable scale of 1 to a basket of puppies handed to me by a leprechaun wearing a tutu, I’d say the dance scene ranked pretty near the top. Although now that I’m picturing it, a leprechaun in a tutu doesn’t sound so cute anymore. Wow. I think I’ve just mentally scarred myself for life. Good job, Picco. Oh and we all saw the whole Matthew and Mary stuff a mile away. I won’t spoil things for people who haven’t seen the episode yet, but Matthew proposes and then they awkwardly twirl in the snow. Whoops, did I just say that out loud?

Speaking of Downton, ummm, Thomas Barrow. Why isn’t this man a real live person and why isn’t he in my life so we can sinisterly plot things together? And then sinisterly bake sinister food together and speak of sinister things, such as Miley Cyrus and how freaky weird she is. Tell me that wouldn’t be oodles of fun.

And since I’m all over the place tonight, I just thought I’d throw in that I’m sick. So sick that the overall sick levels of my sickness have reached maximum capacity. See, I’m so ill that I thought that would make sense when I typed it out. The sad part is that it totally did in my head… Obviously I need to catch a cold more often because when I do get mildly ill like I have been the past 3 days, I do things like start 1000 piece puzzles in the middle of my bedroom floor that I know I’ll never finish, as well as wake up with classic songs we all know and love, such as Benny and the Jets and Grease Lightning, going through my head. Someone take me to a doctor pronto. Or come help me do a 1000 piece Audrey Hepburn puzzle. Either one would be much obliged.

Luckily, all of life’s ills are solved by potato salad. Even if one of the potatoes wasn’t totally cooked all the way, and maybe I might have added a bit too much mayonnaise, it still made me happy. Food tends to do that. As does watching Batman Begins. Could someone please tell Christian Bale’s manager that I’m completely obsessed with him? PLEASE?

Oh, and I boiled two different foods tonight. Potatoes and eggs. Both of which I’m not a big fan of. AND I hate boiling stuff because the dumb water never boils. Not to brag or anything, but I’m pretty impressed with myself.

Potato Salad

2 pounds clean, scrubbed potatoes (I used 6 medium ones, since I don’t have a kitchen scale and I’m really bad at guessing weight, age, and gender. You only think I’m joking. Do you know how frustrating it is not being able to tell if that creepy person you see is a man or woman? And then not being able to let it go that you can’t tell? It’s awful.)
6 eggs
1 pound bacon
1 stalk celery, finely chopped
1/4 cup relish
1 1/2 cups mayonnaise (I used 2 cups tonight and it was a bit much…)
salt and pepper to taste

Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. If you’re like me, you might as well go cure cancer while you’re waiting for the water to boil. If you’re not like me, TEACH ME YOUR WATER BOILING WAYS.  Add potatoes and cook until tender but still firm, about 15 minutes. Drain.
Place eggs in a saucepan and cover with cold water. Bring water to a boil and immediately remove from heat. Cover and let eggs stand in hot water for 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from hot water, cool, peel and chop. In that order. You do it out of order and things will get all wonky.
Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium high heat until evenly brown. Drain, crumble and set aside.
Chop the cooled potatoes, leaving skin on. In a large bowl, combine the hard boiled eggs, bacon, celery, and relish. Add mayonnaise, salt and pepper to taste. Chill for an hour before serving. Enjoy immensity.

But I set fire to the pepper, watched it burn as I googled cookie recipes

*HUMBLE BRAG ALERT* I made a pretty amazing pizza.

It was a roasted red pepper, sausage, shallot pizza with a balsamic reduction glaze. To reiterate – it was amazing… And when I say amazing, I mean I’m skipping re-watching The Dark Knight just to tell you all how amazing it is. Although, since I’m not a huge Dark Knight fan and I prefer Batman Begins, that’s really not saying a lot. Actually, I really prefer the old school 1966 Batman where Batman and Robin wore tights and made awful puns throughout the movie. Yeah, I was born in the wrong decade. In case you were wondering, the pizza wasn’t actually that yellow in real life. I didn’t feel like editing any of the pictures from today, so they’re not *great*. Just to clarify things…moving on…

As if you’re not totally sold on making this pizza yet after I told you that it’s better than Batman, here are some reasons why you should make it:

1. It’s gluten-free, but you’d never know. No lie. There’s a great gluten-free pizza place that my sister with Celiac loves, but even she admitted that my pizza was better. We like to call that an epic win. And by we I mean only I call it that. I’m such a hipster…

2. While you wait for the dough to rise, you can google cookie recipes so that you can make cookies for the highschoolers in your homeschool group. I made chocolate chip cookies last night and brought them to my homeschool group today. I called them segregation cookies, because I wanted to use them to help bring the weird cliques in my homeschool group together. Sadly, even though I was using the power of food, the cookies didn’t really work their magic. So I ate 3 of them.

3. You get to take out your wizard angst  by setting a pepper on fire. Yes, you read that sentence correctly. Setting fire. To food. Does life get any better? Short answer: no. Long answer: yes it does, but it would involve having a lifetime supply of bacon, all the converses in the world, and Ryan Reynolds eyes being farther apart. I’m not the only person who is bothered by them, right?

4. This pizza has bacon on it.

This is bacon. Your eyes are deceiving you. Or, I ate all the bacon in this house, so I had to resort to using breakfast sausage. I’ve heard it both ways.

5. It’s a white pizza. No, not white as in Justin Bieber-esque-white-boy-I’m-so-gangster-with-my pants-6-inches-below-where-normal-people-wear-them white. White as in no sauce, which might be my new favorite way to have pizza. It’s much lighter, while still being filling. You understand.

6. When you make it, you can post about it on your blog and have the title of the post be an attempt at a parody of Set Fire To The Rain by Adele. And when that backfires on you, you can just sit around wishing you looked and sounded like Adele. I know that’s what I do.

7. You get to caramelize shallots, which I kept calling scallions. And then I’d think rapscallion, and then I’d think ” No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.” Because that’s pretty much how my train of thought operates, don’t cha know?

Ok, one last picture of me roasting the red pepper.

Yeah.

Roasted Red Pepper Pizza with Balsamic Glaze

Pizza recipe kinda sorta adapted from How Sweet Eats. Crust recipe copied totally without permission from Gluten Free Baking Classics. Oops?

Crust

Makes one 12-inch round pizza

1 1/2 cups Brown Rice flour mixture (found in this post)
1 teaspoon xanthan gum
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons granulated sugar
1 packet (1/4 oz) dry, quick-rise yeast granules
1 teaspoon olive oil
3/4 cup+1 tablespoon water, heated to 110 F

Spray pizza pans (with ridged bottoms) with cooking spray.

Put all dry ingredients into large bowl of electric mixer and Sir Mix-a-lot it. Get it…? Joke fail. Pour olive oil and warm water into mixing bowl, and mix until just blended. Scrape bowl and beaters, then beat at high speed for 2 minutes

Spoon dough into center of prepared pan. Use a cake spatula to spread dough from center to rim, making sure that it covers the entire pan. Cover with a light cloth and let it rise in a warm place for 30-40 minutes. Dough should double in height. I think my doctor said the same thing to me when I was about 8 years old. He lied, because here I am still Shorty McShorterson. *sigh*

Place oven rack in lower third of oven. Preheat oven to 425 while dough is rising.

Bake pizza dough in pan for 15-16 minutes. Pizza should be a light golden brown and will be cooked through. Remove from oven and cover with toppings of choice. I recommend bacon.

Leave pizza in pan and return to oven for an additional 15-20 minutes, or until topping is cooked.

Topping

2 slices bacon
2 shallots, thinly sliced
2 roasted red peppers, cut into strips
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 garlic cloves, minced or pressed
6 oz. freshly grated fontina cheese (I used gruyere and it tasted fabulous. Just saying.)
2 oz. freshly grated romano cheese, plus more for topping

1 1/2 cups balsamic vinegar

Right before the dough is almost done rising, heat up a (home) skillet over medium heat. Cook bacon until crispy, and remove cooked bacon with a slotted spoon. Add the shallots to the bacon fat and let them cook over low heat for about 10 minutes in the grease. Yum.

Once pizza dough is cooked through for 15-16 minutes, brush surface with olive oil and top with garlic. Sprinkle on the 2 oz of romano, then top with shallots, red peppers, and bacon. Sprinkle remaining fontina and romano on top. Bake for 20 minutes, or until crust is golden and cheese is melty and bubbly.

While pizza is cooking, heat balsamic vinegar in a small sauce pan over medium heat. Allow to come to a boil, then let it simmer for about 15 minutes, until reduced to about 1/3 cup. Do NOT stick your head over the pot to smell the delicious vinegar, or you’ll end up like me when I was making those vinegar pepper things. Remember? Set aside to cool and thicken for 10 minutes. When pizza is finished baking, drizzle vinegar glaze on top. Eat.