Oh, you aren’t seeing Batman tonight either? Let’s drown our sorrows in buffalo cheese dip together.

If I had a list of things I’d avoid in a dark alley, at the top of the list would be rabid dogs, creepy dudes, and people who actually enjoy boiled chicken.

This is my attempt at making boiled chicken look appetizing. I took about 20 pictures of it, and this was the only one that didn’t make me want to upchuck. After you boil it, not only do you end up with chicken whiter than…ummm…something white? but the water you boil it in has fat and chicken flakes floating in it. And if you don’t know what chicken flakes are, go boil some chicken. I can’t describe it, but they’re disgusting.

A word of warning: this dip is addicting. It’s just the right amount of party food+comfort food. So, if you’re beyond sad that you can’t go see Dark Knight Rises tonight at the midnight premiere, you’ll eat a lot of it. Which is exactly what I’m doing. If only I didn’t have that writing and logic class thing at 9am tomorrow.  As much as I’m learning from it (we worked on syllogisms for 2 hours today. God is good. Poptarts are good. Therefore, God is poptarts. Ok, we didn’t do that one…), it’s totally ruining my life. Every day I come home exhausted from so much thinking, AND it makes me not able to see my beloved Batman movie. Batman>learning. But you didn’t hear that from me.

Whoever decided to have the premiere of Dark Knight Rises be on one of the few days of the summer I have to wake up early is obviously the same person who decided to let babies grow up, put so many calories in moose tracks ice cream, and thought it would be a good idea for all clothes in the 90′s to be made out of denim. That person has serious issues.

So anyway, for all of you going tonight, have fun. Meanwhile, I’m going to pretend I’m having just as much fun as you are by having a Chris Nolan/superhero marathon. “Because Toby McGuire is just as awesome as Christian Bale,” said no one ever.

Buffalo Chicken Dip

From How Sweet It Is

2-8 0z blocks of cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup of blue cheese dressing
1/2 cup of ranch dressing
1 cup of buffalo wing sauce. We use Sweet Baby Ray’s since it’s gluten free, but you can use whatever sauce your little heart desires.
4 skinless, boneless chicken thighs
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

Preheat oven to 375.

To boil the chicken, wash the defrosted thighs and place in a sauce pan. Fill the pan with enough water to cover the chicken by several inches. Set your stovetop burner to high and maintain a rapid boil while the chicken cooks for 20 minutes. Set the chicken aside until cool, then shred with a fork.

For the sauce, in a large bowl combine softened cream cheese, ranch dressing, blue cheese dressing, and buffalo wing sauce. Using a mixer, mix until smooth and creamy, about 3 minutes. Resist the urge to eat all of it right then and there. I mean, you can have a little taste or 5, but save some room for when there’s chicken involved. Fold in shredded chicken and 1 cup of shredded cheese. Pour into a baking dish. Top with remaining 1 cup of shredded cheese.

Bake for 20 minutes, or until dip is warmed through. Now you may eat all of it.

No! I will not hide in the fruit cellar! Ha! You think I’m fruity, huh? Well, maybe the cake I made is…

If you’re reading this, then chances are you can read. Or you’re a high-functioning illiterate, in which case please excuse me whilst I marvel at your brilliance. That made sense to me…

I feel like you and I have a good enough relationship (even though, chances are I’ve never actually met you. Hi, I’m Picco.) and I can tell you my innermost secrets. Here goes: I don’t read. There, I’ve said it. That’s probably not something I should proudly announce to the world, but as of last week it was true. I used to read all the time when I was younger, but being homeschooled (no, I don’t do school in my pajamas), I really haven’t had a “set” highschool reading list, so reading has kind of fallen to the wayside. What books do normal people read in highschool…? My problem is I have a really hard time pretending to be interested in books that bore me (unfortunately, that also applies to not just books, but movies, sports, people, etc.) and I guess I thought I was too “busy” to read. Busy with what? *silence* Now that I think about it, I realize I spend my free time watching mindless/amazing shows like Downton Abbey, Sherlock, Psych, and House, and listening to mindless/amazing music like The Beatles, Queen, and Adam Lambert. Ok, Adam Lambert is the only mindless one. But I’m going to marry that man someday. Once he, you know, breaks up with his boyfriend and stuff….details, details.

So now that I have become a reformed book addict, I’ve been speeding through fantastic books and basically can’t stop reading. Does that qualify me as a dork? No. I don’t watch Dr. Who. Ergo, me=not dork. Although I think using the word ergo is points against me. In the past 5 days I’ve finished Dante’s Inferno, read Catcher in the Rye (pretty much my new favorite book), and I’m halfway done with Brave New World. I kind of have eclectic tastes when it comes to books, obviously. I told my mom last night “Wow, I love reading.” and she gave me the I-can’t-believe-we’re-related look and said “Um, you should…”

I’m reading now. Check. AND I even ordered frames from Target and framed a Damian McGinty poster I’ve had since I bought it at the Celtic Thunder concert a bajillion years ago. Where did this new-found drive to accomplish things come from? But I weirdly haven’t had any appetite for days. I’m pretty sure I’m dying. I think this is the 3rd? 4th? death scare I’ve had this year. Although this isn’t as bad as the lead paint incident a few months back. Remember that? Even though I was only exposed to it for 1/2 hour, and I don’t even think it was lead paint, I still think that it went to my brain and messed me up for good. I’m going to start speaking in Esperanto or something, because that’s what happens when your brain is messed up, right? I’m not sure why I’ve had this weird obsession with Esperanto lately. I blame lead paint.

No appetite, no desire to check blog stats or approve comments, not answering texts or emails. I’m just kind of blah. What’s wrong with me? I decided that I needed a Snap Out of Your Stupid Mood cake. It’s a wonderful cake, really. Marshmallows, fruit (hmmm…I’m still not totally sold on the whole fruit thing. I only eat it because, knowing me, I’d get scurvy. Which might be a better way to croak than from lead poisoning.), and cake. Delicious. And it helped me behave like a normal person again. Ah, the magic of non-healthy food.

I’m usually very proud of my cooking creations, whether they turn out or not, but I’m especially proud of this one. Not only was it my first attempt (AND SUCCESS) at making a yellow cake from scratch, it also is words-can’t-possibly-describe-it good. I was going to follow How Sweet It Is’s recipe exactly for the cake and icing, but I didn’t feel like melting chocolate on the stove to make the icing (lazy with a capital L), so I decided to make a buttercream frosting. Then I remembered buttercream frosting is made with powdered sugar and it always tastes disgusting. Does anyone else notice the weird taste that powdered sugar has? Blech. So I made a marshmallow frosting, which, you know, is pretty awesome. This is a cake to make when you have rediscovered your love for books, or when you’re in a bad mood, or when you have to accept the fact that you and Adam Lambert will never be together. Sigh.

And yes, I did write Picco in blueberries.

Yellow Cake with Marshmallow Frosting

Cake from How Sweet It Is, frosting adapted from some random website. The berries were my own creation. Impressed?

makes two 8-inch layer cakes

Yellow Cake

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
3 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup milk

Preheat over to 350 degrees. Sift flour, salt and baking powder together in a bowl and set aside. Can I just say that sifting flour is really annoying?

Beat butter and sugar together in the bowl of an electric mixer until light and fluffy, about 2-3 minutes. Add eggs one at a time, mixing fully until each is combined, then add vanilla. I kinda spaced on the fact that the recipe called for 3 eggs, so I only used 2. But it turned out fine, in case you cared. After the mixture has come together, add in half the of the dry ingredients and mix. Add in the milk, then the rest of the dry ingredients, mixing until just combined.

Pour batter in two 8-inch buttered and floured cake pans. Bake for 23-25 minutes, or until cake is not jiggly (heehee, jiggly…) in the middle and is golden on top. Let cool completely before frosting.

Marshmallow Frosting

32 large marshmallows
3/4 cup COLD butter
2/3 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla

Place saucepan on burner on LOW heat (I maybe started to burn my marshmallows…I don’t remember…yeah) and combine your 32 marshmallows and 2/3 cup of milk. Allow to heat until marshmallows dissolve then remove from heat. Mix, then set aside, ignore, and go watch House. When you finally remember that you made frosting, it will probably be room temperature, which is what it should be.

On the medium speed setting of your mixer, cream the butter until light and fluffy, like the opposite of the Catcher in the Rye plot.

While still beating the butter, slowly add the marshmallow/milk mixture, and then the vanilla. Mix until thickened.

To be (stung) or not to be. I vote not.

So basically I almost died yesterday. Again.

Remember my run in with lead poisoning a few weeks ago? Ok, well maybe I didn’t get lead poisoning…but something happened to me. Anyway, yesterday I was going for a run and decided it would be a good idea to run up and down a really steep hill by my house. There were some pretty tall weeds on the hill and obviously there was a bee that agreed with me that exercise is dumb and decided to sting me. Can I just point out that I was actually doing something good for me when I was attacked by the bee? I wasn’t rewatching Newsies for the 100th time, I was exercising. EXERCISING. Since I’d never been stung before, I panicked and pulled the stinger out of my leg, which apparently isn’t what you’re supposed to do because it gets more venom in your body. Ew. So then I frantically ran/limped home, stuck some ice on the place I got stung, and then it all went downhill from there. Obviously, I’m allergic to bee stings. Not deathly allergic, but I was feeling really sick and dizzy and anxious and my throat started to feel weird. My slight allergicness combined with my lovely vasovagal qualities makes for a really annoying person to deal with.

I was freaking out so much I tried to distract myself by watching Spongebob and eating. As I was eating some soggy animal crackers (I’m still not sure why they were soggy) and saltines that I’m sure expired before I was born, all of the sudden I thought “Wait, if I’m dying, this is my last meal.” Then, half delusional, I starting thinking about what I want my last meal to be. The best I could think of was a chocolate malt from Crown Candy, biscuits and honey from KFC, and those little raspberry and blackberry candies. Delusional me obviously doesn’t have a very refined palate.

So I asked my mom why I was feeling so awful and she said, basically, I was poisoned, and then I started to freak out even more. No one ever told me that it was poison. People always said Picco, what is truth. Picco, what is the nature of the good. Picco, what should I order. Picco, what are you having. And not once did anyone ever say Picco, hemlock…errr…bee stings are poison.

Rosebud.

Oreo Triple Layer Chocolate Pie

From here

32 oreo cookies, divided (about 3/4 of 15.5-oz. pkg.). I used the leftover gluten-free overcooked brownie cookies I made the other day…in case you cared.

1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted

2 packages (3.9 oz. each) jell-o chocolate Instant Pudding

2 cups cold milk

1 tub (8 oz.) cool whip, thawed, divided

Finely crush 24 cookies; mix with butter. Press onto bottom and up side of 9-inch pie plate.

Beat pudding mixes and milk with whisk 2 min.

Spoon 1-1/2 cups pudding into crust. Stir half the cool whip into remaining pudding; spread over pudding layer in crust. Chop remaining cookies; stir into remaining cool whip. Spread over pie.

Refrigerate for 4 hours, or until set.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Let’s talk about things I don’t understand. And, no, I did not steal this from Kait. I’ve had the idea for this post written down in an Evernote note on my phone for weeks. Just when you thought it wasn’t possible for me to get any cooler…

Shall we begin with things I actually enjoy but don’t understand? That might be best. Let’s start off on a happy note.

First, I don’t understand House. House as in House, M.D. my favorite show as of late. Only problem is that I just recently started watching it, so I’m stuck watching season 8 on hulu. Basically, I have no idea what’s going on and I just found out a few episodes ago that Dr. Chase (who totally looks like the non-fat version of Cary Elwes, am I right?) is Australian, not British. Yeah. But what I don’t understand is why every single episode is the same. Let me give you a breakdown of House that could easily be every single episode in the series: it opens with the soon-to-be patient doing something boring and then eventually falling to the ground because of hallucinations or passing out. Then the opening theme plays, and it cuts to the doctors at the hospital (I have no idea what their names are other than Dr. House, Dr. Australian, and the Dr. guy who dies in Dead Poet Society.) and some sort of plot involving all of them is established…sort of. Then they discuss the patient, diagnose them, and are about to release him when BOOM he starts coughing up blood. I’m not sure what their obsession with coughing up/crying blood is, but it’s in every single episode. Not to talk about gross stuff on a food blog or anything…sorry? Anyway, then they attempt to diagnose the person again, something happens to him again, they do surgery, he gets better, the end. Confusing.

Also, people’s obsession with Shia LaBeouf and Leonardo DiCaprio, or as I call them Shia LaBarf and Leonardo DiCraprio. I mean, what? You didn’t hear it from me. All I’m going to say is they’re both not great actors and they do the intense Matthew Crawley stare way too much. We should instead be focusing on talented actors like Christian Bale, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Adam Richman from Man vs. Food. Ok, Adam Richman isn’t really an actor, but if my marriages with Christian and Joe fall through, he’s my next choice.

I’m also confused by the Lucky Charms marshmallow to cereal bits ratio. Why for the love of delicious food are there not more marshmallows? Seriously, if I wanted to eat disgusting bland cereal that I’m pretty sure is made up of sawdust, pencil shavings, and corn syrup, I’d just eat Cheerios. But I don’t, because Cheerios are disgusting. Unless we’re talking Honey Nut Cheerios, which are almost as good as Lucky Charms. Almost.

And finally, I’m confused that Yahoo had a search engine. As if people are going to use that over Google. I mean seriously, who says “Dude, the lyrics to the opening song of The Lion King aren’t baaaaahhhhsowhenyahhhhhmamabeatsebabaaahhhh. But just to prove I’m right, let’s Yahoo it.” And if you do say that, then I wish you luck with your future endeavors. You’re going to need it.

Oh yeah, and this cake is amazing. No really, AHHH-MAZING. And it seriously doesn’t taste gluten-free at all. Win.

Gluten-Free Lemon Layer Cake

From Gluten-Free Baking Classics. Everyone should own that cookbook. True story.

Makes two 8 or 9 inch rounds or 24 cupcakes

2 cups granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 1/2 cups brown rice flour mix (the recipe for it can be found here)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon xanthan gum
1 cup canola oil
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon pure lemon extract
1 teaspoon grated lemon rind
Lemon Curd Filling and Lemon Buttercream Frosting (recipes follow)

1. Preheat oven to 350 F. Position rack in center of oven. Line two round 9-inch layer cake pans with parchment or wax paper and spray lightly with cooking spray.

2. Beat sugar and eggs in large bowl of electric mixer at medium speed for one minute. Add flour, salt, baking powder, xanthan gum, oil, milk, vanilla extract, lemon extract, and lemon rind; beat at medium speed for one minute.

3. Pour batter into prepared pans. Place in center of oven and bake for about 35 minutes (40 minutes for an 8 inch cake, or 18-20 minutes for cupcakes) or until cake has pulled away from the sides of the pan.

4. Cool cake layers in the pans for 5 minutes. Use a small knife to cut around pan sides to loosen cake. Invert cake layers onto a rack, peel off paper, and cool completely.

5. Slice both cakes in half horizontally to create four layers. It is easier to do when the cake has been chilled. Spread each of the two bottom layers with 1/2 of the lemon curd. Cover each bottom layer with one of the two remaining top layers.

6. Place one set of filled layers on a cake plate and spread with about 1/2 cup of the lemon buttercream frosting. Place the other set of filled layers on top and cover top and sides of cake with remaining frosting.

LEMON CURD FILLING

3 egg yolks
1/4 cup+2 tablespoons granulated sugar
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup unsalted butter, cut into four pieces
1/4 teaspoon guar gum (you can leave this out of you don’t have it. The only reason it’s in it is so the filling doesn’t get too absorbed into the cake layers.)
2 teaspoons grated lemon rind
1/4 teaspoon pure lemon extract

1. Combine the egg yolks, sugar, and lemon juice in a small saucepan and whisk into well blended.

2. Cook over medium-low heat until smooth and so thick that curd coats the back of a wooden spoon (this should take about 5-7 minutes). Whisk in butter, one piece at a time, until completely incorporated. Whisk in guar gum, lemon rind, and lemon extract.

3. Pour the filling into a small bowl and cover with plastic wrap. Chill until very cold.

LEMON BUTTERCREAM FROSTING

1 cup unsalted butter
3 1/2 cups powdered sugar, divided
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon lemon extract
2 teaspoons grated lemon rind

1. Beat butter in large bowl of electric mixer until light and fluffy. Add 1 cup of powdered sugar, lemon juice, lemon extract, and lemon rind; beat to blend. Add remaining sugar and beat until creamy.

My attempt at British food *insert sad face here*

Let’s speak hypothetically here for a bit.

Let’s say, supposedly, I knew a certain European. Actually, let’s pretend he’s…ummm…British. It might make the story less confusing or something. Hypothetically, this “British” guy may or may not be very attractive, but it’s a moot point because he doesn’t actually exist and this is all made up. Yeah. Anyway, there’s a possibility he would say that, back in his homeland, there was a food called Sausage Rolls. If he were in fact a real person, which he theoretically may be, he would explain how he tried to make them here in the United States, but couldn’t find puff pastry, so he used pie crust and it became a complete and total disaster. Then someone else would say “I bet Spoonlighting could make them.” And Spoonlighting may or may not have made them. And, should the non-American in fact be a real person, I’d like to compare Sausage Roll failures with him because I think I could top his easily. Hypothetically.

What you should have gathered from that confusing story was that I made sausage rolls. Let’s talk about the positive things that came out of making them. They were really really really good, and I got to use puff pastry, which, every time I use it, I wonder why I don’t make things with it more often. Wait. Puff pastry and bacon. Mmmmm. Excuse me while I drool over that thought for a second… Ok, I’m done now. I’m so glad you didn’t see that because it was seriously awkward. Now that the positive stuff and drooling is out of the way, let’s talk about the not-so-positive stuff. Uh, they’re hideous.

Also, I had to read 10+ sausage roll recipes (the things I do for people…) because none of them said even remotely the same thing. One said to add onions, another said to add sage, and not all of them included Dijon mustard. And don’t even get me started with the oven temperature. What is this gas 3 or fan 120 stuff? Why do British people use the word “moorish” to describe something delicious? Why am I not in New York seeing Newsies on Broadway? These are all very good questions.

See the middle roll on the far right? See how normal looking it is? Just pretend that all of them look like that. Please. Also, remind me to never make these again because I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten half of them and I’ll eat the rest if no one stops me. Oh, and remind me to stop watching The French Chef. It’s making me sad since all I want to do is take a cooking class under Juila Child. Literally. That woman was like 9 feet tall.

Sausage Rolls

Adapted from a billion recipes. I’m only slightly exaggerating.

2 teaspoons dried parsley
1 small onion, finely chopped
16 oz. sausage
salt & pepper
1/4 cup Dijon mustard
package of ready-rolled puff pastry (there should be 2 sheets in a pack, and you’ll use both of them.)
1 beaten egg, to glaze (I didn’t use this because I was lazy, but it might explain why they didn’t turn out. Hmmm…)

Set your oven at 400 Fahrenheit/200 Centigrade/Gas 6/phasers to stun.

Combine parsley, onion, sausage, and salt and pepper in a skillet. Cook until onions are slightly translucent and sausage is no longer pink.

Unroll one of the pastry sheets onto a board. Brush mustard on the pastry and cut it in half lengthwise. Spread the sausage along the length of each pastry strip. Tightly roll the pastry around the sausage and brush the ends with the beaten egg to secure. Cut each roll into 10 pieces, each about an inch long, and place on an ungreased baking sheet. Repeat for the remaining pastry sheet.

Bake for 20 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the rolls are puffed and golden, checking after 15 minutes to make sure they don’t burn. Apparently these freeze (unbaked) very well.

Serve with tea…or something…I’m just going to stop talking.