Fewer toxic people in 2019, more Toxic by Britney Spears

Ah, January 1st. The day where all of us vow to make drastic changes instead of doing the more logical thing which is to take baby steps towards change. So here I am, deciding to blog again and hoping I can actually stick to it. This year will probably be more interesting than last year so I should have more to talk about. I don’t really have any resolutions per se, but there are a few things I’m happy to have out of my life and even more I’m looking forward to. So here are my lists that I’m typing while watching some show on Netflix about the Arctic circle. Thrilling.

Stuff I’m leaving behind in 2018

  • Long hair. I’ve spent almost my entire life with long hair, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve cared less and less about actually fixing it, which has done a number on my happiness. I’ve wanted a pixie cut since middle school but whenever I brought it up to people I got comments like “your features aren’t feminine enough” or “you don’t have the right face shape.” Which was hard to hear when you’re 12 and uncomfortable in your own skin as it is. Finally I decided that I was just going for it.

on this episode of chopped

The entire salon watched me get it cut and I think my hairdresser was more nervous than I was. She let me cut part of it off, which was surprisingly therapeutic, and I got to donate over 12 inches to Wigs for Kids. This is seriously the most gorgeous I’ve ever felt. I don’t base my self worth off other people’s opinion, but I have gotten a lot of compliments. So I’m not complaining. I don’t know if I’m ever going back to long hair. Also there’s my face. Look how happy I am! I swear I’ve been glowing ever since I got it cut a few days ago.

  • Anger. I’m not naturally an angry person at all and it’s hard for me to stay genuinely mad at anyone long-term. Life is honestly too short to waste energy constantly being mad at people who have wronged you. Whether that’s close friends or some random person who irks you, I think the key is to allow yourself to be upset but don’t let it consume you. I’ve gotten much better at it since getting a seasonal job this fall in retail. I’ve always had jobs in food service or customer service, but jeez, retail is the cream of the crop. I had someone call corporate on me the other day because I wouldn’t let her return hundreds of dollars worth of very obviously stolen clothes. She thanked me for being polite and explaining the return policy to her, but somehow she still accused me of being racist and complained to corporate about my manager and me. And later that day some guy asked for my number and when I said no thanks he ALSO accused me of being racist. Humanity, dude. What’s even going on.
  • My black Converse I bought in 2014 since I can see the ground through them. I really need a new pair of sneakers (preferably Vans since my lower back has been destroyed from 10+ years of no arch support @Converse), but I’ll probably just buy a sensible pair of shoes to wear to internship. Which is the least exciting thing ever. No one ever told me adult life would be this boring.
  • Reading books without finishing them. My Goodreads goal was to read 25 books this year and I ended the year reading 11 books at once. Which is surprisingly stressful.
  • Being out of shape. I haven’t run as much the last few months since I took the fall semester off, but this past summer I was able to run 4 miles without stopping. Luckily I have a friend back up at school who was dragging me to the gym every day to lift weights, so getting back in shape is definitely attainable.

Stuff I’m looking forward to in 2019

  • Internship in the spring & fall. In two weeks I start my internship at a middle school. I’ll be working alongside a counselor at a school with over a thousand 7th and 8th graders. I’m terrified and excited, and I definitely have some impostor syndrome flaring up. Everyone from my professors at school to my favorite piercer at my tattoo parlor thinks I’ll be a great counselor, which is comforting. I think being naturally empathetic is a gift that shouldn’t go to waste, so I’m hoping to make the best of it. The rest of my internship will be in the fall and right now I’m planning on doing it long distance somewhere in my home state.
  • Graduation. I’m done in December. Thank god.
  • Working towards getting a second master’s/Psy.D. My school is giving me the option to come back to get a master’s in clinical mental health if I want. Right now I’m getting it in school counseling, but I can spend another year to take a few more classes and do a mental health counseling internship and have two master’s degrees. I’m debating either taking that route or just going ahead and getting my Psy.D in child & adolescent psychology or developmental psychology. There’s not enough time or money in the world for me to accomplish everything I’m interested in which is dumb. Is there a way to be a school counselor by day, a substance abuse counselor by night, and then maybe do some geriatric end of life counseling on the weekends?
  • Doing homework at Starbucks again. At the Starbucks across the street from campus the baristas start my venti passion tango tea with light ice right as I walk in. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.
  • Spending more time with friends. My roommate this past summer has become one of my best friends and she said she’ll have homemade mashed potatoes waiting for me when I fly back in a few days. What did I do to deserve this. I’m really thankful to have formed some fantastic friendships the last few months, but friendship is a two-way street so I need to continue to put effort into them. Because friends do things like make delicious mashed potatoes for you.
  • Cutting back on meat. I don’t know if I can go fully vegetarian right away, but I’d like to cut back on at least red meat. My goal is pescetarian in the next few months. Because why not? Also I mostly only eat PB&J and quesadillas up at school anyway to save money. I live a various glamorous life.
  • Cross stitching. It’s one of my favorite ways to wind-down and I left all my thread back at school, so I’ve been in withdrawal for months. There’s a craft store right up the street which I guess is a testament to how lazy I am sometimes.
  • Blogging. I’ll do what I can.

Oh and this show has confirmed my suspicions that I never, ever want to live anywhere near the Arctic circle.

Managing FOMO when everyone seems to be having fun without you

FOMO.

[foh-moh]

noun, Slang.

  1. a feeling of anxiety or insecurity over the possibility of missing out on something, such as an event or an opportunity

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is something I think we’ve all experienced. I remember the second or third night of college I was feeling particularly homesick and stayed in my room. After a little while I realized that my dorm floor had gone quiet. The next day I was scrolling through Instagram and saw that everyone in my hallway had gone out without me, and no one bothered knocking on my door to see if I wanted to join. At the time I was devastated, but looking back now I realize I was upset they left me out, not because I had missed anything.  I wasn’t a huge fan of most of the people on my floor, so I don’t know how much fun I would have had anyway. But it’s the principle of the matter, right? Realistically, if they had asked I probably would have either begrudgingly said yes or told them no. Also I later learned that people initially associated me with my crazy roommate, which is why they passed on inviting me out. I don’t blame them.

Even though I have three roommates, I’ve spent a majority of these last few weeks doing stuff alone in my downtime. One roommate plays softball and is always with her team, another lives close to the school and has been gone Thursdays-Sundays, and the third roommate is the one who left her food on the stove for four days. Unfortunately, things have only gotten worse with her and she wants to move out, which is a record for the fastest I’ve ever had a roommate leave. I think I’m going to write a book on how to be a great roommate. Lesson #1: don’t go out on a Wednesday night with your friend and then have said friend throw up all over your bathroom Thursday morning. Common courtesy, people. I’m hiding my toothbrush in my room because I’m so paranoid she hates me and is sticking it in the toilet…

I’m not sure what I expected when I decided to move 552.8 miles away from home to a grad school where I didn’t know anyone in state I’d never been to before. I guess I was just assuming everyone would look at me and think “Wow! That girl I’ve never seen before seems neat! I should invite her to my party.” Needless to say, that didn’t happen and the first week was difficult. My apartment is right next to two other ones, so I can hear everything ranging from the loud parties on Friday nights to the fire alarms going off at 1am. Both are equally irritating. Having been through a similar situation at the beginning of undergrad I realized that I just haven’t found a group of friends here yet, and in the meantime I can either mope in my room or go out and do things alone. So far I’ve done stuff like visited the ice cream place across the street multiple times, read on the quad, found some running trails around campus, written letters to friends, and am currently looking at making pottery sometime next week at a store close by. All of this without any forced small talk, which is my favorite part.

Even if we don’t admit it, we all encounter FOMO. If you’re like me and occasionally wonder what’s wrong with you because no one’s inviting you do to stuff, here are a few tips for combating it and learning to be a little more comfortable alone. Spoiler alert: there’s nothing wrong with me, and I’m sure the same can be said for you too. It’s easy to forget about all the times people did invite you to do stuff and just focus on the times you weren’t invited. Sometimes we just accidentally get left out.

1. Stay off social media. This is really where FOMO stems from anyway. What did people do back before social media when they were wondering if friends were having fun without them? They probably thought about it for about ten seconds and went on with their day. This might not be correct because I was born in 1995 and don’t remember a time without the internet, but I’m assuming people didn’t think about it too much. Although I take that back. I distinctly remember accidentally clicking on the AOL shortcut on our computer, listening to the screeching sound of dial-up, getting a popup rudely announcing the internet wasn’t enabled, and then getting annoyed my parents wouldn’t let me install the disk AOL mailed to us that had 100 free hours of internet. Seriously, all I wanted was to waste my life away playing RollerCoaster Tycoon. Why was that icon so close to the useless AOL one on the desktop? Also why were we basically the last people I knew to get internet, mom and dad? I know you read this. But I digress.

Watching the Snapchat story of your friend who got a full ride to an Ivy League law school and seeing all the parties she’s at with all her new friends isn’t going to make you feel better about your slow (but steady) progress making friends at your non-Ivy League school. I speak from recent personal experience. Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and Twitter aren’t inherently bad, obviously, but I’ve taken a few hiatuses from them and realized one thing after I’ve taken a step back: at the end of the day, who REALLY, TRULY cares about your life? Aside from family and a handful of friends, the answer is no one. Nothing like a dose of harsh reality on a Wednesday night. I’ll like pictures of my friends’ recent engagements or wish them happy birthday, but I can’t say I’m overly interested in the lives of 95% of my friends on Facebook. I talk to my parents multiple times a week, I’m pen pals with three of my close friends because I really, really love getting mail, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve gone more than a day not talking to Sister Celiac WHO’S IN COLLEGE, BY THE WAY. Jeez this blog is old. It’s not that I’m ignoring the rest of my friends, but you can realistically only be close to so many people. The next time you see pictures on Facebook of a party you weren’t invited to, remember that if they considered you their friend they would have invited you or found other ways to be in touch. It’s probably not because they hate you, they just can’t possibly be friends with everyone. That being said, don’t waste your time and energy stressing over people who are the reason FOMO exists.

2. Expect to be uncomfortable. Since all three roomies are MIA I decided to get breakfast this morning alone. Doing things alone is scary and I still feel judged that people think I’m the weirdo with no friends. Trust me, the more you do it the easier it gets.

3. Realize there’s nothing wrong with a security blanket. If you’re still not super comfortable with the feeling of being alone, bring along a book or your phone or your knitting stuff. I’ve been super into cross stitching lately and am hoping to start a new project soon. Would I feel kinda kooky cross stitching alone at breakfast? Probably. But what about watching Green Day music videos or take Buzzfeed quizzes at breakfast while I feast on my all-you-can-eat bacon? Much more comfortable. There are no set rules about how you spend your time, so don’t feel bad if you need to be on your phone to be comfortable at first. Just stay off social media (see tip #1).

4. Go somewhere by yourself at least once a week. Once you realized you’re going to be uncomfortable and you’re armed with your security blanket, plan weekly outings by yourself. One thing I miss about undergrad was the fact that the college was right in the middle of the downtown area. I was only a few blocks from restaurants, a bowling alley, movie theater, and art gallery. Once I was okay going to a movie by myself, I would go to see two or three movies a month. Because the only thing that makes the Lego Movie funnier is sitting in a theater with 50 kids opening day while they laugh even harder than you. For more ideas on places to go alone watch this:

So what’s the alternative to FOMO? JOMO. Joy of missing out. Learning to be comfortable being by yourself. Eventually you’ll find yourself having an appreciation (preference?) for alone time. I think I have a healthy balance of time socializing with people and doing stuff alone, but I’ve finally gotten to the point where it’s liberating realizing I don’t have to rely on others for fun. So take some time to go to a park, see a movie, or go to dinner alone. There’s nothing better than eating a giant plate of pasta with no one trying to talk to you while your mouth is full.

One last thing to also keep in mind is there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be surrounded by 100 people and still feel lonely, whereas you can be alone and be more content than you would be at that party full people you don’t really consider friends anyway. At the end of the day yeah your Ivy league friend might be having more fun than you are at that party, but what she’s not showing you is how stressful law school is and how she isn’t even friends with most of those people. So while she’s living it up right now at fancy parties with rich kids, I’m enjoying my relatively stress-free counseling classes and staying up late laughing with 2/3 of my roommates. I’ll keep you updated on whether or not my toothbrush actually ends up in the toilet. Sending thoughts and prayers my way is highly appreciated.

Tried to leave the Midwest for grad school; failed miserably

I’m currently hiding out in a Starbucks because I somehow got lost at my new school and can’t find my on-campus apartment, so I panicked and speedwalked (is that a word?) here. I feel safe. It’s like I put on a brown turtleneck and matching corduroys and everyone is thinking “Wow, I’m staying away from her, but at the same time I’m jealous of how secure she seems. Good job, weird girl. Bye. Also I see that most of your outfit is actually from Hot Topic. You’re 22. Stop wearing galaxy print pants. Please start buying clothes at grownup stores.” No one here can judge me while I obsessively look at the virtual tour of the school on their website and silently critique them for how crappy it is. But seriously, where on God’s green earth is my apartment… There’s a Walgreens close by, so after I post this I might take cover there. Maybe I’ll pretend to be interested in that weird shampoo meant for horses that girls insist on using while I muster the courage to go back and find my way around campus. Seriously, what is that stuff? Buy human shampoo. Also, I shouldn’t have ordered coffee because I can’t feel my heart beating.

Where am I, you might ask? Grad school in the Midwest. It’s been a while since I last posted, so in case you forgot, I went to college in the Midwest as well. I tried to get out of here and be somewhere warm for grad school, but somehow ended up migrating north and switching to the eastern timezone. Even though I do enjoy that lovely Midwestern hospitality, my plan to never see snow again in my entire life hasn’t worked out too well.

While a lot has happened since I last blogged my sophomore year, it hasn’t been anything super thrilling. I didn’t travel abroad and hike through some far off land to discover my purpose in life. Instead I went to New York twice since I still don’t have a passport and didn’t discover anything except that I can’t afford anything there. I’ll briefly fill you in on the last three years. I was a nursing major through the end of my sophomore year when I realized 1) I couldn’t handle how soul-crushing nursing school is, and 2) I simply didn’t want to be a nurse. I switched to being a health science major and picked up psychology and child studies minors. Just FYI, unless you want to work for the CDC or be the head of a hospital, health science probably isn’t for you. The only thing I walked away with was a great party trick where I can recite the seven responsibilities of a certified health education specialist, learned I never want to hear about cultural competence within the health field again, and passed an exam so I can add the letters CHES after my name (look it up if you’re super bored). I took the max amount of credits each semester in order to finish my new major in two years instead of four, and somehow got all As and Bs in my classes those last two years. Except college trigonometry where I scraped by with a 70.2. Hey, I never said I was perfect, even though we all know it was implied.

The most significant part of my time in college was that I fell in love with the happiest, funniest guy I’ve ever met and we dated from sophomore through senior year. We had our ups and downs like everyone, but I don’t know if I could have made it through college without his support. I broke up with him two weeks before our graduation in May (don’t ever do that, kids. I somehow did surprisingly well on all my finals but I had the movie 500 Days of Summer on a loop that entire week while I cried multiple times to a group of friends and they assured me it was all for the best). It was a mutual breakup and we’ve stayed close and still text each other almost every night at 8:30 telling each other about the best part of our day. We realized our life plans and views about important things like religion and kids just didn’t match up, and neither of us wanted to compromise our goals for the other person. He’s currently working as a horticulturalist in a park and eventually wants to be a ranger in a national park while I want to be a middle school counselor somewhere warm on the east coast. Maybe one day I’ll get my Ph.D. in Forensic Psychology doing research on the brains of psychopaths or helping the FBI create profiles. I’ve seen every single episode of Forensic Files multiple times and know too much about Ted Bundy. I swear I’m actually a lovely, normal person. But if your loved one ever mysteriously dies in a hospital, they were probably given a massive dose of fast-metabolizing acetylcholine by a crazed nurse which won’t show up on a toxicology report. Also if a real estate agent goes missing, check the basements of houses they show. But most importantly, don’t ever, EVER let your spouse take out a life insurance policy on you. Hit me up if you ever want some random serial killer facts.

I had my fair share of crazy roommates, such as my fall semester freshman year roommate who moved out without telling me after being my roommate for about six weeks, got married her junior year, dropped out of college, moved to Japan hoping to teach violin, felt oppressed because she’s a 5’9” white chick with lots of tattoos and they wouldn’t let her into the bathhouses, ran out of money, moved back to the US, worked as a barista for a while, divorced her husband because he spent all her money on Pokemon Go, and then ran off to California with some new dude. My spring semester freshman year roommate dropped out that year, got married for a month, and is now a single mom. My sophomore roommate actually stuck around both semesters, but sharing a small room with someone is difficult. Needless to say, junior and senior year were spent thoroughly enjoying an apartment off campus alone.

My undergraduate career was challenging both academically and emotionally, but looking back I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m hoping to start blogging again at least once a week documenting my life these next few years as I get my Master’s in Counseling. I hope you stick around as you follow my adventures on campus and in the kitchen, since I’m hoping to start cooking again on a grad school budget. I can guarantee you I’ll have plenty of stories, especially since I’ve only been here four days and my 20 year old roommate has already left chorizo on the stove for 48 hours and continues to eat it. I might have to use my nursing school dropout skills on her.

Goodbye, summer job. Hello, sophomore year.

The nightmares I had last semester were of me hitting this guy in my health class in the face with a dodge ball. Repeatedly. I think I talked to that kid once and that was only when I said out loud to myself that I was the least athletic person on the planet and he heard me and agreed. So then I friended him on Facebook, because, you know, that’s the logical thing to do. The nightmares I had over the summer were of accidentally putting a high chair at the end of a 6-top, because we weren’t allowed to since they get in the way of the food runners. Laugh all you want, but I’ve woken up in the middle of the night after dreaming about a server yelling at me for putting people at table that was too small for them or that I double sat them. I think that last sentence is proof I need to get out more.

I worked as a host at a restaurant over the summer. It was my first “real” job and I’ve never hated and loved the general public more in my entire life. I loved the days when I got to talk to people while we were on a wait or give food recommendations if I was taking their to-go order over the phone. Unfortunately, there weren’t many days like that. Did you know that some adults don’t know about the concept of tax? Some woman threatened me about lying to her about the price of an appetizer and declared she wouldn’t pay for her takeout order because instead of it being $5 like it was on the menu, the total ended up being $5.51. Also, sometimes bosses can be worse than the customers. That’s never fun, because to customers I can say “Ma’am, we’re currently on a wait and if you don’t like the table I gave you, you’ll have to be put back on the list until another table opens up.” but to managers I can’t say “Hey, you’re kind treating me like total crud right now so stop it.” without worrying about losing my job. I learned a lot this summer, got over my fear of talking on the phone since it inevitably rang at least once every ten minutes, and was able to talk to a lot of great (and not so great) people. As much as I enjoyed the job, it’s nice to be back at school.

I came back a few days early so I could spend time with girls who moved off campus before classes start this week. Almost all of them are in sororities, and none of them are allowed to talk to non-sorority girls because they might somehow persuade us to join their sorority (?) and they’ll get in trouble. They can take one look at my bank account and see I can’t afford it. Also, I’m about as un-sorority-girl as it gets. So I can’t see most of the people I came up a week early to be with. Luckily my roommate isn’t affiliated so she and I have gotten to spend a lot of time together. Also, another reason why I came back early was to enjoy freshmen move in day. Was I that hopelessly confused last year? Did I really look that nerdy carrying around my folder with all of my freshmen week info in it? Did I just go to Walmart and accidentally buy air freshener refills instead of actual air freshener? The answer is yes to all of those. We currently have a Glades plug-in refill in our air conditioning vent in hopes that we can somehow get the room to smell like Hawaiian breeze. Basically my life since I came back on Friday has consisted of organizing our room, being the sober, responsible one at a party with two of my friends on Saturday night (I saved both of them from being hit by a car and they don’t even remember…), making a chocolate cake with the only utensils being a 9×13 pan, a fork, and a tablespoon, and being asked “So,what’s your major? Are you a freshman?” by everyone here. Also, my wonderful roommate who doubles as one of my best friends has woken me up every morning with some random request. Sunday morning it was let’s make a chocolate cake! and this morning it was let’s get some fish! So I guess I’ll be spending my hard-earned money on some fish. Maybe I’ll be able to keep this one alive for more than 12 days like the last one. Updates to follow.

No Sleep Til Brooklyn {day 1&2}

My college is on spring break this week and rather than staying in St. Louis for it, I decided to spend my break splitting my time between my dad’s brother with his family in Brooklyn and my mom’s two sisters in Brooklyn and Manhattan. I’ve been here for less than twenty four hours and I already don’t want to leave.

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Lamb burger for dinner last night. I can never go back to boring food ever again.

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The new World Trade Center building.

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I was incredibly upset to see that I couldn’t take my midday nap in a cemetery. Except… not.

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I went here for lunch today with my aunt. We think the name of it was TriBeCa, but there was no name on the outside or on the menu.

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It was super small too. Only seven tables and it was basically a hole in a wall. I felt so hipster.

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Pretty sure this was straight lemon juice, but it was so good. Every sip had to be chased with water, but it was worth it.

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IMG_4950On the subway back, we were serenaded by this man. I literally love everything about this city.