How to give your puppy a bath (and stay sane in the process)

Have you ever gotten a whiff of your puppy and thought “My gosh, does she roll around in garbage?!” If that ever happens, then chances are, your young doggie needs a bath. If you’ve ever given a dog a bath (especially to one under 1 year of age), then you know how tedious and stressful it is. But it doesn’t have to be! Follow this simple step-by-step guide I’ve provided (that is based on true events that happened about 5 minutes ago), and your puppy will be clean and you will be happy!*

*While chances are your dog will get clean, your happiness isn’t guaranteed. At all. Not even kinda. Sorry.

Step 1: Prepare the bathroom or place where you intend to bathe dog BEFORE bringing the dog in there. Preparation might include fruity-smelling shampoo, conditioner (if needed), a towel or 5 and, if you’re feeling daring, a blow dryer. I’d also suggest a potty break at this time for obvious reasons.

Step 2: Be discreet about bring dog to place of bath. Act like a total goober while excitingly shouting “come here! let’s go *insert dog name*! yay! WOOHOO!!” as you’re leading dog to the bath. On the way there, steer clear of little sisters yelling “you’re giving her a bath?” because, chances are, the word “bath” will knock the dog back into reality, she’ll flip out, and run back into her crate.

Step 3: Is the dog in or at least near the bath? Congratulations on making it this far! Unfortunately it only goes downhill from here… First off, CLOSE THE DOOR. Next, once you get the dog in the bath, quickly hose her down while she flails her limbs and barks, desperately trying to get the heck out of there. Douse her in shampoo and rub into coat. Once again, being speedy fast, rinse her to the best of your ability. If you are feeling so inclined (and dumb), put conditioner onto dog. Don’t expect to let it sit on her fur for more than 3.7 seconds. Rinse off quickly, for dog is surely past her prime at this point and your rationality is fleeting too.

Step 4: Get dog out of bath, which shouldn’t be too hard since out is where she wanted to be in the first place. Quickly throw towel on dog as she shakes fur on you as a sort of puppy-revenge. Towel might impair water from getting ALL over the room. But probably not. Dry dog to best of your ability, then glance around the room to see which is more sopping-the floor and walls or your clothes. When you open the door, expect her to be a total spaz and run around your house like a madman…err…puppy. Only downside at this point:she’s gonna smell like wet dog. Blech. And of course, once the bath’s over, she’s going to want to run around outside. She is going to find the magical pile of grossness and play in it, coming back inside worse off than she was before the bath.

If the thought of all your hard work going to waste in a matter of seconds makes you depressed, don’t fret. You shall feel a sense of accomplishment in the fact that you, single handedly, gave your dog a bath. And if it doesn’t make you proud, then join the club.

Tonight we made pork roast and onions & potatoes. And by we I mean my mom made it all and I only put salt, pepper, olive oil and garlic powder on the roast before I stuck it in the oven. I wasn’t sure how I’d react to potatoes since this is the first time I’d had them since the gnocchi incident, but they actually weren’t too bad. I even had seconds (with ketchup, of course)! And now I need to go change out of my still damp clothes before I catch pneumonia.


5 thoughts on “How to give your puppy a bath (and stay sane in the process)

  1. Ah, this brought back many memories of three family dogs past. One dog – Prissy (and, no, I did not name her) – would literally “scream” as one bathed her. We had to make sure that there were no visitors downstairs or else they would think someone was being murdered in the bathroom.


  2. Picco,

    Thanks for your detailed steps on how to give a pet a bath. I am recommending that you give your puppy a bath every day. Why??? Because, it appears that when you do such, your mother cooks the evening meal. Of course, there are two reasons (maybe three) reasons why you might not want to give your doggy a bath every day. They are as follows:

    One: You would be less able to cook your way through the entire Silver Spoon.

    Two: Your mother may not be amenable to her part of the “deal.”

    Three: I will leave this reason to your imagination.


  3. First-time post from a long-time fan.

    If you read carefully the responses from JJR and Grampy, I think you will find that there is a hidden message contained in them. Maybe — just maybe — the third reason why you might not want to give your doggy a bath every day is . . . murder! (Apologies to “The Cat in the Hat” movie)

    Keep up the great blogging.

  4. Haha – I used to have two dogs – can you imagine the double trouble I had? I’m sure every dog knows the word “bath” as they always go hide at the first mention of it!

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