I’m sick. And it’s the worst kind of sick. I have no symptoms visible to the human eye. No coughing, so sneezing, no nothing. I’m just achy and tired. So what do I do when I’m under the weather? Make deviled eggs. Duh.
And now I’m going to walk you through how I made deviled eggs today. Warning: I’d strongly suggest not following my example of how to make them. Doing so may result in a loss of sanity and/or limbs. I am not responsible for anything that happens if you choose to be stupid and make them the way I did.
DEVILED EGGS. Om-nom-nom.
Prep time: TOO LONG
Cook time: Even longer, but I didn’t keep track of time. I’m smart like that.
Total time: Not sure, but it
might will be the hugest waste of your life. Ever.
What you’ll need:
1/4 cup mayonnaise
Sanity and patience. And if you have only 1 of those, it’s ok. And if you have neither, like I do, you’ll be just fine! I mean, look how I’ve turned out. Don’t comment, please.
Step 1. Hard boil the eggs. But make sure you use slow-boiling water, like apparently I did. Oh and make sure that your mom and sister are bidding on stuff on Ebay that has 1 minute left. That way there’s a general theme of stress throughout the house. And remember: a watched pot never boils, but a girl staring at a pot of water (for over 10 minutes) waiting for it to boil never stays sane. Do you understand? No? Good. Neither do I.
Step 2. Once your water boils (which could take anywhere from 5 minutes to 48 years), turn off the stove, cover the pot and, yes, wait a little longer. 10-12 minutes to be exact. During this time you might rethink why you ever wanted to make these stupid eggs. And if you’re not thinking that yet, no worries, you will soon.
Step 3. Wait for the eggs to cool. Or just rinse them in cold water and scald your hands in the process. Once cooled, proceed to crack them and realize you haven’t cracked a hard boiled egg in a while and you’re a little out of practice. While you take the shell off the egg, make sure to take off lots of the white stuff too. It makes it look quite attractive.
Step 4. Cut the eggs in half and scoop out the yolk, but keep in mind that the yolk is just cooked baby chicks. Have the thought of being vegan flash through your mind, and then remember how delicious pork steaks are and continue with the scooping. Mash the yellow stuff up and add the mayo, salt and mustard. This might be the most calming part of the process so far, so savor it.
Step 5. If you’re feeling elegant and aren’t at your wits end just yet, put the filling mixture in a sandwich bag, cut off a corner of the bag and pipe the contents into the egg. Or just grab your spoon and wildly fling the egg yolk stuff around the kitchen, hoping that some of it ends up in the egg. Then sprinkle the paprika on the eggs, just to have your mom say “You’re supposed to put it on just the yellow part, not the whole egg.” Resist the temptation to fling the eggs at her face, but only because she’s your wonderful mother. If she were anyone else, feel free to proceed with the egg throwing.
Step 6. Put the finished product on a plate, step back to admire your work, blink, and then *poof* the eggs are gone. This is because your little siblings have taken the eggs and are chowing down on them in the other room. While cleaning up the mess you made, yell at them to stop eating them this instant. Oh and make sure both your parents are busy and you have absolutely no authority over the…lovely children.
Step 7. Once clean up is done, go to the other room and see that only 3 of your 10 eggs are left. Oh yes, I forgot. When you’re cutting one of the eggs, have it fall apart on you so you’re down from 12 egg halves to 10.
Step 8. Eat the last few eggs in exactly 12 seconds. But remember that they are totally gluten free, so your sister can eat them. Everyone wins. Except for you, since you just inhaled the eggs that took you well over 45 minutes to make.
Step 9. Make a note to self to never make deviled eggs again. Ever. No, I’m dead serious.