My attempt at British food *insert sad face here*

Let’s speak hypothetically here for a bit.

Let’s say, supposedly, I knew a certain European. Actually, let’s pretend he’s…ummm…British. It might make the story less confusing or something. Hypothetically, this “British” guy may or may not be very attractive, but it’s a moot point because he doesn’t actually exist and this is all made up. Yeah. Anyway, there’s a possibility he would say that, back in his homeland, there was a food called Sausage Rolls. If he were in fact a real person, which he theoretically may be, he would explain how he tried to make them here in the United States, but couldn’t find puff pastry, so he used pie crust and it became a complete and total disaster. Then someone else would say “I bet Spoonlighting could make them.” And Spoonlighting may or may not have made them. And, should the non-American in fact be a real person, I’d like to compare Sausage Roll failures with him because I think I could top his easily. Hypothetically.

What you should have gathered from that confusing story was that I made sausage rolls. Let’s talk about the positive things that came out of making them. They were really really really good, and I got to use puff pastry, which, every time I use it, I wonder why I don’t make things with it more often. Wait. Puff pastry and bacon. Mmmmm. Excuse me while I drool over that thought for a second… Ok, I’m done now. I’m so glad you didn’t see that because it was seriously awkward. Now that the positive stuff and drooling is out of the way, let’s talk about the not-so-positive stuff. Uh, they’re hideous.

Also, I had to read 10+ sausage roll recipes (the things I do for people…) because none of them said even remotely the same thing. One said to add onions, another said to add sage, and not all of them included Dijon mustard. And don’t even get me started with the oven temperature. What is this gas 3 or fan 120 stuff? Why do British people use the word “moorish” to describe something delicious? Why am I not in New York seeing Newsies on Broadway? These are all very good questions.

See the middle roll on the far right? See how normal looking it is? Just pretend that all of them look like that. Please. Also, remind me to never make these again because I’m pretty sure I’ve eaten half of them and I’ll eat the rest if no one stops me. Oh, and remind me to stop watching The French Chef. It’s making me sad since all I want to do is take a cooking class under Juila Child. Literally. That woman was like 9 feet tall.

Sausage Rolls

Adapted from a billion recipes. I’m only slightly exaggerating.

2 teaspoons dried parsley
1 small onion, finely chopped
16 oz. sausage
salt & pepper
1/4 cup Dijon mustard
package of ready-rolled puff pastry (there should be 2 sheets in a pack, and you’ll use both of them.)
1 beaten egg, to glaze (I didn’t use this because I was lazy, but it might explain why they didn’t turn out. Hmmm…)

Set your oven at 400 Fahrenheit/200 Centigrade/Gas 6/phasers to stun.

Combine parsley, onion, sausage, and salt and pepper in a skillet. Cook until onions are slightly translucent and sausage is no longer pink.

Unroll one of the pastry sheets onto a board. Brush mustard on the pastry and cut it in half lengthwise. Spread the sausage along the length of each pastry strip. Tightly roll the pastry around the sausage and brush the ends with the beaten egg to secure. Cut each roll into 10 pieces, each about an inch long, and place on an ungreased baking sheet. Repeat for the remaining pastry sheet.

Bake for 20 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the rolls are puffed and golden, checking after 15 minutes to make sure they don’t burn. Apparently these freeze (unbaked) very well.

Serve with tea…or something…I’m just going to stop talking.


10 thoughts on “My attempt at British food *insert sad face here*

  1. Too funny! I might just send that to my British friend. It’s ok though, she doesn’t cook. But she is a writer! Very great post. And don’t you know that your stomach doesn’t know what it looks like!

  2. I think that your interest in British food comes from watching Downton Abbey or from the hope of meeting a “British” guy who, by the way, is probably very attractive.

    I think I know who got to eat the ideal Sausage Roll that was depicted in the middle right of the last picture. It is only fair that the preparer of the food should also be the official taster.

    • I do think Downton has a big part to play in it. My slight obsession with Christian Bale doesn’t help either.

      I’m pretty sure I had that one, but I’m not sure. I think it got lost in the other 20 I ate…

  3. I think you should introduce me to your British friend Piccola.
    Also, I make killer tasting(don’t even know if that’s good phrasing but whatever) mozzarella sticks that distinctly resemble trash stuffed road kill. But everyone fights over them so it proves that appearance isn’t everything.
    I would totally eat those. Probably would dip them in salsa.

    • I’d love to, although I hardly know him myself. He’s a little intimidating, you know, with the whole British accent and all…

      Oooh, I’ve never made mozzarella sticks. Every time I announce I’m going to make them, everyone in my family makes the “don’t do it” face. But maybe if I tell them that you make fantastic ones they’ll let me. I don’t know. My family’s weird sometimes.

      • Awesome. I’ve always wanted to meet a British guy. Kinda hard down here in Florida.
        But I watch enough BBC to make up for it.

        I honestly don’t understand why your family would want you to not make something so exceptionally delicious.
        It’s kinda difficult, though, getting it breaded well enough to where the cheese doesn’t melt all out of the coating while in the oil.
        And then there’s the problem of the cheese that has begun to ooze out sticking and becoming BFFs with the paper towel you put them on to cool.
        It’s a work in progress.
        A very delicious one.
        I am more famous for my jalepeno poppers. Most in my family enjoy a good spicy kick, so they’re a favorite.
        And I’ve perfected it.
        You should try those sometime. Unless, ya know, you hate spicy stuff. And all things good in this world.
        Because they’re kinda the same thing.

        Okay. I’m done blabbering now.

  4. Hahah I do care to comment :) These look so yummalicious! The brit and the philosopher should be proud of your attempt, since you succeeded. I was about to force you to bring me some today, then I realized that I won’t be seeing you :(

    Dear Spoonlighting,
    I don’t have a “phasers-to-stun” setting on my oven. What do I do???

    In cooking pain,

    • Oh do you? They are yummalicious. I thought of you this morning as I ate 5 of them with a cup of English Breakfast tea. I felt so posh and refined. *pause for laughter*

      Dear Epic Life Fail…I mean, what?

      First off, never talk about your lack of phasers-to-stun setting on your oven. It’s really embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as flying off the treadmill at a gym while there’s a really attractive guy running next to you. Not that I did that… Because you just totally made a fool of yourself, I now ban you from playing bridge with Brooklyn EVER AGAIN. And also you must listen to Stronger by Kelly Clarkson 20 hours a day. Whacha.


  5. Oh my goodness, we ate sausage rolls in England all the time! They were so good, but yours… yours look… even more delicious! Did I just say that?? Gawsh. Well, now I have to try this recipe! :D

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