You say Michael, I say Caine. You say Bruce, I say Wayne. Hot dog, I say cool it man. I don’t wanna be the Mayor of Gotham.

I hate Dark Knight Rises.

You have no idea how much it pains me to say that. No, really. All I want to say is THAT WAS THE MOST AWESOMEST THING IN THE WORLD. I HEART CHRISTIAN BALE. THE ONLY WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER IS IF LEONARDO DICAPRIO WAS CATWOMAN AND WAS KILLED. But I can’t, especially since Leo wasn’t in it (thank goodness). So here are my thoughts on the movie…

First, lets talk about the things I liked. Um, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Gorgeous, much?

And now for the things I didn’t like. *SPOILER ALERT* If you haven’t seen the movie yet, go find a picture of a cute bunny to look at or something. Wonderful idea, Picco. Oh thank you. And now I’m going to stop talking to myself.

Before I go into details about the characters, let’s talk about the plot. Or lack thereof. What exactly was the plot? No really, I’m not even sure what the point of the movie was. Batman Begins was about how Bruce Wayne became Batman. Ok, good. Dark Knight was about how there are some crazies in the world that wear purple suits and are actually gorgeous Australian men. Acceptable. Dark Knight Rises? *silence* Please help me out here, guys.

So, Bane. Uhhh, who is he? Had anyone ever heard of him before? Even my little brother who is OBSESSED with superheros, and can name almost every single one of them, didn’t know who Bane was. Since Chris Nolan gave us absolutely none of his back story, I’m just going to assume he was unloved as a child, then got beaten up in that prison pit where people speak alien instead of English and pass their time climbing up the wall and trying to jump onto a ledge, and then somehow he fashioned himself that mask. What’s the purpose of the mask? Is he like a diehard Darth Vader fan or something? That dude’s got more issues than Vogue.

Catwoman. Don’t even get me started. I didn’t like Anne Hathaway to begin with, and now I REALLY don’t like her. Again, thanks Chris for no back story for her either. At least Michelle Pfeiffer got her weird powers from cats. So maybe Selena whats-her-face lives alone with her cats and decided to become like them, aaannndddd steal stuff? Yeah, that’s logical. I also thought that all of her “action scenes” were awkward. It’s hard to attack people when you’re wearing stilettos, sweetie. So maybe next time opt for a more casual shoe, such as converse? Just a thought. I should totally go into costume design.

Dear Christian Bale, WHY ARE YOU SO OLD?! Time (and his lack of sanity) has not been good to him. Batman was just annoying in this movie, which is sad since he was so cool in the other two. Why was Bruce a gimp at the beginning? I get that he’s an angsty hermit and such, but can’t he hire a physical therapist or something? And every time people spoke to him, it was all motivational speeches. And there was a lot of crying, even from tough guy Bane. What was this, The Notebook?

I’d go into detail about all the other characters, but I’d bore myself. Even Commissioner Gordon was disappointing. And every time someone said his name, all I could think of was Heath Ledger as the Joker saying “Evening, Commissioner…” and I got sad. Random trivia time: Did anyone else notice that the guy with the super long eyelashes was the same guy that dated Juliet on Psych for like 4 episodes? I really liked how Gordon-Levitt turned out to be Robin at the end, but the whole movie he’s like I’m a cop, I’m a cop, I’m a detective? I’m a cop again, I’m yelling at kids to get back on the bus, I’m a cop, BOOM, I’m Batman’s sidekick. Ummm…

And finally, the end. Worst. Ending. Ever. And not even kind of probable. So since the bomb had a 6 mile kill radius, it had to be flown at least 6 miles away, right? And luckily, Batman was able to fly it 6+ miles away in less than a minute, drop it in the ocean, and then it went all mushroom-cloud like, and no one died. Um, radiation? Debris? Tsunami? Nope, just happiness. Surprise! It was a bomb filled with food, shelter, and love.

So anyway, those are my thoughts on the movie. Anyone who has ever read my blog knows that I absolutely adore Christian Bale and Batman more than anything else in the world (next to bacon…), so it was really depressing that I had to write this, but it had to be said. Why do you build me up, Christopher Nolan baby, just to let me down? Seriously that song’s been stuck in my head for days.

Oh, and here’s a picture of a Build-a-Bear koala in an Iron Man suit.  So many superheros in one day.

And there needs to be a new superhero named Baconman. Just saying.


3 thoughts on “You say Michael, I say Caine. You say Bruce, I say Wayne. Hot dog, I say cool it man. I don’t wanna be the Mayor of Gotham.

  1. What a great movie review!!! It appears that you are brutally honest in your opinions. I think you are destined to become a movie critic. Forget about philosophy as a major and find a college that has a movie critiquing major.

  2. Ahahaha! Oh, I love you and your awesome blog posts.
    So Bane is in one of the old hokey Batman movies. Poison Ivy uses him to break things, basically. She pushes a radioactive-looking button on his chest and it makes him all angry and smash-y. And I’m pretty sure he’s green in that. Also, Wikipedia has answers!
    And Batman was gimpy because I’m pretty sure his leg got shot (or otherwise injured) in the end of the last movie. I remember him limping sort of when he ran away as they blamed him for Harvey Dent’s crimes.

    I liked the movie, except that I wasn’t too impressed with Anne Hathaway. Then again, I never am. And also, valid point about the bomb. That wasn’t realistic. *sigh* I guess they can’t do everything.

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