Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Close your eyes. Ok wait, don’t. Then you can’t read this…unless you’re Henry Sugar from that Roald Dahl story. Has anyone read that? No? Right then. Back to closing your eyes.

Imagine that you’re on a desert island with Ryan Gosling. Nevermind, I have dibs on him. You can have Michael Jackson or Amy Winehouse or Lindsay Lohan. Good old Lindsay. You realize that you’re going to kick the bucket soon from lack of food, water, and the fact that Lindsay is driving you over the edge. This story would have been much happier if you were with Ryan Gosling. Sorry? As you’re about to die, a magical genie appears and asks you what you want your last meal to be. I’m not sure why this genie can’t just help you off the island, but this is my story so whatever. With your last dying breath you mutter, “Picco’s blueberry muffins.” The end.

That might have been the weirdest story I’ve ever written, which is impressive since the other day I found a story that I wrote when I was 8 about a teddy bear that was walking through a forest, found a bag of money, was overjoyed, and then got his head bitten off by a butterfly. It really explains a lot about me. The moral of the story is that I’m pretty much in love with these muffins. Goodbye Christian Bale, I’m leaving you for these…WAIT NO COME BACK. I WAS JOKING.

I’ve been running a lot and trying to get in shape, but it’s not working since I’m drowning my sorrows in food. I actually don’t really have any sorrows, but I’m using that as an excuse to eat more. Well, maybe I do have some sorrows. A bunch of people I know are starting college, and two of them are people I’m really good friends with. Luckily one is staying in town, but the other one leaves in 4 days. Boo. And then my friend who lives close by that I spend a lot of time with starts school in 2 days. I’ve decided education is overrated. We should all just stay home and eat muffins while we watch a little House, MD.

It’s sad thinking that my close friends are all leaving. It hurts. *sniff* Ok, but it doesn’t hurt as badly as getting conditioner in your eyes like I did last night. Or getting a contact lodged behind your eye like I did last week. Or stepping on a lego like I do, ummm, every day. But the worst is running your hip into the corner of a counter. Whenever I do that, I pretty much just accept the fact that I’m going to die. Wait, what’s my point…? Oh yeah, I’ll miss you Emily and Marie. But I’m sorry, I really must go back to my muffin. I’m currently on my third and I’m pretending they’re healthy because they have blueberries in them.

My dad took one look at the muffins and said, “Where’d we get these?” I said, “I made them.” He responded, “Seriously? They look store-bought. You are the coolest person on the planet.” Ok, maybe I made up that last part. Just like my go-to cookie recipe is this one, this muffin recipe is now the only recipe I’m going to use for infinity and beyond. And there’s a strudel topping. Could life get better? Word of advice: don’t eat the uncooked topping. Just because something has butter and brown sugar in it, doesn’t mean that those ingredients will overpower the flour. At all. Seriously guys, don’t eat it.

My lovely friend Marie was nice enough to get me the coolest mug on the planet for my birthday. It’s a Harry Potter cup that changes color when you put hot water in it, and the words “mischief managed” appear. For those of you who are savvy with Harry Potter, you’ll know that this is one of the coolest presents ever.

It makes me feel super fancy if I eat my muffin whilst drinking my green tea. In case you were wondering…

Blueberry Muffins

Makes 12 delicious muffins

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 egg
1/3 cup milk
1 cup fresh blueberries

1/2 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup room temperature butter, cubed
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease 12 muffin cups or line with muffin liners.

Combine 1 1/2 cups flour, 3/4 cup sugar, salt and baking powder. Place vegetable oil into a 1 cup measuring cup; add the egg and enough milk to fill the cup. Mix this with flour mixture. Fold in blueberries. Fill muffin cups right to the top, and sprinkle with crumb topping mixture. Again, don’t eat the mixture. It’s tempting, but don’t do it. Are you listening to me?!

To Make Crumb Topping: Mix together 1/2 cup sugar, 1/3 cup flour, 1/4 cup butter, and 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon. Mix with fork, and sprinkle over muffins before baking. Don’t eat it.

Bake for 18 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

Enjoy.

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17 thoughts on “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

  1. Why do I get the feeling that you ate the crumb topping and are trying to spare us all from an ugly experience?? haha

    I can totally relate with you on jamming my hip into a counter corner. Happens to me *all* the time. We have this counter in our kitchen that happens to be the same height as my hip bone (due to my 5’2″ height), and we are constantly colliding. Thankfully, I don’t bruise that easily or my hips might be permanently black and blue.

    -Tia

  2. Very intriguing title to your latest blog. Very intriguing ad for Daybreak, No intrigue regarding the blueberry muffins, as they look forthrightly delish.

  3. You have to know that blueberries should be at least half of the major food groups. What other food goes so well with just about everything? I started salivating with the first picture and decided then and there that I have to make them. Did you make enough for the whole family or have you eaten the last one yourself?

    Mimi

  4. First of all, Westley is awesome. ;)

    Second of all, I did read the story about Henry Sugar! Weird story that almost makes sense if you don’t really think about it.

    Third of all, I was just at a fancy wedding, and their blueberry muffins pale in comparison to yours. I don’t care if they each came in their own little cute white dish. They were skimpy on the blueberries and looked nothing like the glory my eyes beheld when I clicked onto this latest post.

    • Really? That story is so weird…I love the whole book.

      That’s awesome. This recipe is really good and REALLY easy. You should make them and add extra blueberries to make up for the wannabe blueberry muffins you had :)

        • And a couple day ago I did. Except there were only just enough blueberries left to make a cup, so I couldn’t put in extra blueberries. Oh, well; it was still delicious! Way better than the wedding muffins. (You’d think at $50 a plate they could at least serve decent muffins, but nooo!)

          Also, I ate the crumb topping just because you said not to. Really, it’s not that horrible. Just . . . bad. (Mine had oil, though, because butter/margarine grosses me out. But I don’t think that would make much of a difference.)

  5. Pingback: Happy 2 year anniversary, Spoonlighting! Oh, and I’ve also become super hip and joined Facebook. | Spoonlighting

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