Don’t go brachial-ing my heart

It’s 1:30am at the moment. Who knows when I’ll actually get this posted, but there’s some video game tournament going on in the room next to me, so I’m wide awake. I don’t know if I enjoy posting the food that I consume here on a daily basis or if it just makes me sad. I’m thinking sad.

Monday

Dinner

cereal for dinner

Lucky Charms and chocolate milk was my dinner on Monday night. I figured it was the healthiest option compared to the fried catfish in a mysterious brick shape, the chicken bruschetta pizza, or the baked stuffed pork chop weighing in at around 430 calories. And that’s without gravy.

I wanted to attempt to eat well, so I went and got some fruit cocktail.

fruit?

“Fruit.” There are (allegedly) grapes, peaches, pineapple, pears, and cherries in there. The first person to correctly identify them all wins.

Tuesday

Breakfast

breakfast and anatomy

I had an anatomy quiz this morning so I wanted to eat beforehand. Ah yes, it’s our good friend 156% daily value of cholesterol omelet! Whatever. I needed sustenance. The meat marketed as “frizzled ham” was pretty good and the potatoes made me reminisce on better times when there were undercooked hashbrowns instead of those sketchy chunks. The dinning halls got a new brand of coffee which I proceeded to spill all over my pants and hardly anyone said anything. My friends are unfazed by me at this point, which is really nice. It only took me five months to break them in. But I totally aced anatomy and got to poke at different parts of a skeleton’s arm with a stick when naming bones. My lab group finished early and while we were waiting for everyone else to be done I started making up a song to the tune of Don’t Go Breaking my Heart. I realized two things when I was trying to find a way to incorporate the abdominopelvic regions into it:
1. I need to get out of the house/dorm more.
2. I was half singing it all out loud and people were giving me weird looks.

Lunch

pulled pork and salad

No matter how many times I tried to take a good picture of this, it only made the food look grosser. The pulled pork actually only had 190 calories, 1 gram of carbs, and 9 grams of protein. Why I passed up the Big Ole Chicken Burrito that contained 500 calories and 54 carbs is beyond me.

And for the record, nothing in that song rhymes with epigastric, left hypochondriac, or inguinal region. Believe me. I already tried.

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Bad news full of first-world problems

My life is so hard sometimes.  Except not really.

bicsuits and gravy

Bad news #1. You know that omelet that I get at breakfast every morning because I assumed it was the healthiest thing on the menu? Wrong. It has 156% of the daily value for cholesterol. I don’t even know how to react to that except for have a heart attack. This morning at breakfast the choices were biscuits and gravy, heart disease in omelet form, scrambled eggs, and the always sketchy sausage patty. I picked the biscuits and gravy because wheat is nutritious, right? I went to breakfast with nine people. Only four talked during it and one guy fell asleep (of course we took pictures). We’re all quite happy the week is over.

Bad news #2. One of my best friends here is transferring to another college. She wants to go into pharmacology and this place doesn’t have exactly what she’s looking for. I guess the plus side is that I’m going to be roommates in the fall with the girl she was originally going to room with, and I absolutely adore her. I’m sad to see her leave, but I think it’s all working out for the best.

Bad news #3. I’m so out of shape. The health class my advisor signed me up for is titled Iron Lung. Yes, you may start laughing now. We had to do pushups, planks, wall sits, and crunches yesterday. Between that and the blisters I’m getting from breaking in my new Doc Martens, I’m in a lot of pain.

salad. again.

Bad news #4. This was dinner. Again. Apparently the contract with this catering company is until 2016. I don’t plan on moving off campus because my dorm is right next to the health science building where I’ll have all my classes, so I’m stuck eating this food until I’m a senior.

Bad news #5. At dinner I overheard one of the women serving food say to another woman “I don’t think any of the pizza crust cooked all the way.” I’ll just stick with salad.

Happy 3rd birthday, Spoonlighting! To celebrate, let’s look at what “food” they serve me at college.

Oh hey, fun fact: the freshman 15 is a real thing. I went back home over break and tried on a pair of pants that I had left there and was completely convinced that they had somehow shrunk in the drawer. I’m trying to be more healthy this semester and cut back on soda and carbs. It’s pretty impossible to do that at my school without just eating salad all the live long day. So here are some of the things I’ve had since getting back. Some of the pictures are a little blurry because I have to sneak take them or I look like a weirdo obsessed with her food. Which I sort of am.

Monday

Breakfast

eggs and hashbrowns

Cheese omelet, under-cooked hashbrowns, and ketchup to make them palatable. My first Monday back and the coffee machine was broken, so I had milk instead. Oh don’t even get me started. It was 7:45 and the people I ate with were all annoyed with the lack of coffee. It was a pretty quiet breakfast…

Lunch

salad

Salad with tomatoes, hard boiled eggs, and lite Italian dressing. I used ranch dressing last semester but I’m assuming this is better for you? I was limited to salad that day because the only food they offered was a 900 calorie chicken and bacon wrap with the entire mayo factory on it,  macaroni and cheese pizza, and chicken fried steak.

Dinner

pasta and sauce

Pasta with meat sauce. I tend to only eat meat from the dining halls when it’s ground up and I can’t see how gross it is. I got a diet Pepsi instead of water and also had an ice cream cone, because the soda and ice cream are the only consistently decent foods here. Well, except when they replaced the vanilla with banana ice cream. That was a very low two weeks for my school.

Tuesday

Breakfast

french toast sticks, fruit, and eggs

THEY HAD CANNED PINEAPPLE. You have no idea how exciting that was to everyone. I also got French toast sticks that were pretty decent, bacon that was incredibly lacking in the flavor department, and, again, cheese omelet. And coffee because I can’t endure 8:30 classes four times a week without it.

Lunch

stir fry

Stir fry that wasn’t too bad. There was too much sauce and not enough veggies, but at least I didn’t feel guilty about not getting a salad. I passed on the deep-fried tofu and opted to put chicken in the stir fry instead.

Last night for dinner my friend ordered a pizza, so I was saved from dining hall food.

Wednesday

Breakfast

eggs and grapes

Skipping the biscuits and gravy, sketchy sausage patties, and corned beef hash, I had to stick with just a cheese omelet this morning. I ate a whole two grapes before I had to give up because they were so under ripe. But that coffee, though.

salad and tater tot caserole

Incredibly blurry tater tot casserole and salad. I tried to justify the casserole because even though it had 320 calories and 22 grams of fat, it did have 16 grams of protein. I added spinach to the salad which balanced it out?

So basically I miss my mom’s cooking (or at least being able to easily cook in a kitchen) already.

And I talked to my academic advisor today about adding a philosophy minor to my nursing major, so I’ll start philosophy classes in the fall. All it will entail is taking about 17 credits a semester and not going berzerk in general. I think I can do it.

Bruce Wayne enjoys long walks on the beach, saving the citizens of Gotham, and pancakes

Why my college decided to not provide dinner on Sunday nights is beyond me. They offer a speed brunch for like an hour and a half Sunday mornings which I haven’t been able to get because it happens while I’m at mass. But after that pathetic meal-wannabe, we’re left to fend for ourselves. The only food I have in my fridge is three bottles of water, a quart of milk, grapes, and a package of cinnamon rolls that I’m making Tuesday morning. I miss being able to go to the kitchen to eat without having to swipe in using a meal card that proudly displays quite possibly the worst picture of me ever. I’ve gone out to eat a few times and there’s a great incredibly sketchy diner close by that doesn’t have many windows but still has some of the best pancakes I’ve ever had.

diner pancakes

Although I’m not sure what time I should get there on Sunday morning.

i'm so confused...

This diner also housed Bruce Wayne who has obviously given up on the whole “secret identity” thing.

I FOUND BATMAN

I decided to stay on campus for Labor Day weekend and there’s hardly anyone here. It’s fantastic. The normally packed lounge on my floor was completely empty last night and I hung out there with some friends and watched movies and ate sour patch kids for seven hours. And I might have run up and down the halls at midnight. Eh, I don’t remember.

empty dorm

Since it’s so quiet here I spent the afternoon lying on a bench in the quad doing chemistry and reading 1984. Someone came up to me and introduced himself as the founder of a program on campus that I’m trying to be vague about so you don’t find out where I go to college, you creepy person… Basically he takes pictures of students and puts them on the project’s Facebook page to show the diversity of the campus. He took my picture and we talked about Brave New World and dystopian books for a while. Aside from the fact that I’m starving, today’s been a pretty good day.

homework in the quad

I know people whose dorm doesn’t have any air conditioning and even their stuffed animals are feeling it. Luckily it was pretty cool here today. It got up to 103 a few days ago.

no air condition in dorm room

Oh hey, I went to my first frat party. The verdict? Incredibly overrated. I went with a group of friends to a frat house close to campus and it was dark and hot and full of trashed people (which I guess goes along with the whole frat party idea). We left and went to a bar which you apparently only had to be 18 to get into. Or I was breaking the law by going in. But then again, I am from St. Louis and we all live on the edge there. When I was younger I referred to the area I live in as Stabbyville. Who wants to come visit me?! Anyway, back to the party. It wasn’t much better than the other one. None of us drink and I think you have to in order to pretend like those parties are enjoyable. We stayed out until 2ish and then were officially bored so we went to a gyro place and got food, then came back and did laundry. I think everyone needs to go to college just so you can do stuff like that.

The extent of my cooking lately has been these bad boys.

easy mac

They’re 90 cents and almost filling. A guy in the room next to me apparently cooks dinner on Sunday nights for my floor. I’ll offer to help him next Sunday so I can get back in the swing of cooking. I was going to eat dinner with him last Sunday, but Joseph Gordon-Levitt was a presenter at the VMAs. JGL>socialization. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to Walmart for some more Easy Mac, diet Dr Pepper, fruit, and air freshener because I’ve been told by multiple people that my room smells like a dentist’s office.

Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Close your eyes. Ok wait, don’t. Then you can’t read this…unless you’re Henry Sugar from that Roald Dahl story. Has anyone read that? No? Right then. Back to closing your eyes.

Imagine that you’re on a desert island with Ryan Gosling. Nevermind, I have dibs on him. You can have Michael Jackson or Amy Winehouse or Lindsay Lohan. Good old Lindsay. You realize that you’re going to kick the bucket soon from lack of food, water, and the fact that Lindsay is driving you over the edge. This story would have been much happier if you were with Ryan Gosling. Sorry? As you’re about to die, a magical genie appears and asks you what you want your last meal to be. I’m not sure why this genie can’t just help you off the island, but this is my story so whatever. With your last dying breath you mutter, “Picco’s blueberry muffins.” The end.

That might have been the weirdest story I’ve ever written, which is impressive since the other day I found a story that I wrote when I was 8 about a teddy bear that was walking through a forest, found a bag of money, was overjoyed, and then got his head bitten off by a butterfly. It really explains a lot about me. The moral of the story is that I’m pretty much in love with these muffins. Goodbye Christian Bale, I’m leaving you for these…WAIT NO COME BACK. I WAS JOKING.

I’ve been running a lot and trying to get in shape, but it’s not working since I’m drowning my sorrows in food. I actually don’t really have any sorrows, but I’m using that as an excuse to eat more. Well, maybe I do have some sorrows. A bunch of people I know are starting college, and two of them are people I’m really good friends with. Luckily one is staying in town, but the other one leaves in 4 days. Boo. And then my friend who lives close by that I spend a lot of time with starts school in 2 days. I’ve decided education is overrated. We should all just stay home and eat muffins while we watch a little House, MD.

It’s sad thinking that my close friends are all leaving. It hurts. *sniff* Ok, but it doesn’t hurt as badly as getting conditioner in your eyes like I did last night. Or getting a contact lodged behind your eye like I did last week. Or stepping on a lego like I do, ummm, every day. But the worst is running your hip into the corner of a counter. Whenever I do that, I pretty much just accept the fact that I’m going to die. Wait, what’s my point…? Oh yeah, I’ll miss you Emily and Marie. But I’m sorry, I really must go back to my muffin. I’m currently on my third and I’m pretending they’re healthy because they have blueberries in them.

My dad took one look at the muffins and said, “Where’d we get these?” I said, “I made them.” He responded, “Seriously? They look store-bought. You are the coolest person on the planet.” Ok, maybe I made up that last part. Just like my go-to cookie recipe is this one, this muffin recipe is now the only recipe I’m going to use for infinity and beyond. And there’s a strudel topping. Could life get better? Word of advice: don’t eat the uncooked topping. Just because something has butter and brown sugar in it, doesn’t mean that those ingredients will overpower the flour. At all. Seriously guys, don’t eat it.

My lovely friend Marie was nice enough to get me the coolest mug on the planet for my birthday. It’s a Harry Potter cup that changes color when you put hot water in it, and the words “mischief managed” appear. For those of you who are savvy with Harry Potter, you’ll know that this is one of the coolest presents ever.

It makes me feel super fancy if I eat my muffin whilst drinking my green tea. In case you were wondering…

Blueberry Muffins

Makes 12 delicious muffins

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/3 cup vegetable oil
1 egg
1/3 cup milk
1 cup fresh blueberries

1/2 cup brown sugar
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup room temperature butter, cubed
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease 12 muffin cups or line with muffin liners.

Combine 1 1/2 cups flour, 3/4 cup sugar, salt and baking powder. Place vegetable oil into a 1 cup measuring cup; add the egg and enough milk to fill the cup. Mix this with flour mixture. Fold in blueberries. Fill muffin cups right to the top, and sprinkle with crumb topping mixture. Again, don’t eat the mixture. It’s tempting, but don’t do it. Are you listening to me?!

To Make Crumb Topping: Mix together 1/2 cup sugar, 1/3 cup flour, 1/4 cup butter, and 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon. Mix with fork, and sprinkle over muffins before baking. Don’t eat it.

Bake for 18 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

Enjoy.