Don’t you call me pudgy, portly or stout. Just now tell me once again, who’s fat?

Hey you. Yes, you. The person blankly staring at your computer screen reading this. I bet you’re procrastinating right about now, right? Oh yeah, and you’ve got a little something-something on your face. I’d go wipe that off. Pronto. But I have a question. What did you eat last? Tacos? Cereal? Fruit? You know what I ate? This.

2 ounces of chicken, 1 cup of green beans, 1 cup of carrots, a medium apple and water. Why is the girl who loves food almost more than she loves Christian Bale eating so healthily? Because I’m on the 3 day Tuna Diet. *Insert sad violin music*

Have you ever thought to yourself man, I wish I appreciated food a little more ? I know I haven’t. But if you ever get upset at the fact that you mindlessly shovel food in your mouth, let me present to you the fad diet! According to Wikipedia,  fad diet, or food faddism (although I’ve never heard of that…I think Wikipedia just made that up) are both words used to describe idiosyncratic diets and eating patterns that promote short-term weight loss, usually with no concern for long-term weight maintenance, and enjoy temporary popularity. The term has been co-opted in recent years by mainstream nutritionists to criticize ideas that challenge conventional wisdom, particularly low-carbohydrate diets. So basically, it’s a way for you to eat hardly anything until you finally snap and go back to loving food more than you ever did before. Or you develop an eating disorder. But I have a feeling I’ll be doing the first one.

I’ll admit, I’m no Kate Moss. I enjoy my food. Immensely. I’ve actually had someone tell me I could afford to lose some weight and that they had no idea how I fit into my skinny jeans. Yeah, that wasn’t annoying… AND I have a friend who will call me and I’ll answer the phone and say “Hello?” and right away she’ll say “Let me guess, you’re eating? You are? Shocker.”  Now you know that I love food, so why am I on a diet? Funny story, actually. And by funny I mean slightly boring. My friend is in a play at her school. In one part of the play, one of the dude actors has to lift her onto his shoulders. Apparently she’s no Kate Moss either and she was giving the guy back problems, so the director told her to lighten up. Literally. So she’s on the Cabbage Soup diet and was telling me how awful it was. Yada yada yada…long story short, I told her I’d diet too and give her moral support. But then, both of us being the slightly super competitive ladies we are, we decided to make it a competition. Whoever can lose the most weight by November 1st wins. With her on the Cabbage Soup diet and me on the 3 day Tuna diet with the other 4 days of the week being some weird detox diet with lemon water and raw vegetables. Yeah, that was a great story, wasn’t it? I’ll make sure to never tell it again. But the moral of the story is no, I’m not actually on a diet to lose weight. I’m on this awful tuna diet of grossness to WIN. And I shall win and then I’ll be happy. And I think the moral of the story might actually have been more boring than the story itself.

My aunt made french toast for Stalker Sunday. I made 2 ounces of canned chicken. I think she wins.

French Toast, a la Cool Aunt

Stale baguette
4 cage free organic eggs
Cinnamon
Nutmeg
Vanilla extract
Maple syrup
Butter
Strawberries

Slice hard baguette in diagonal pieces.  Be careful if baguette is very hard as knife may slip..and cut your finger.
Crack four eggs into medium sized bowl and beat with a fork.  Add a bit of cold water (optional).  Add at least a 1/2 tsp of vanilla.  Add nutmeg and cinnamon to task.  Stir well.  Put as many slices as will fit comfortably in the bowl and let sit for a few minutes to soak up egg mixture.  Meanwhile, heat a non stick pan with one T of butter on medium heat.  When butter has melted and foam has subsided, take each piece of bread out of egg mixture and wipe excess egg off with fingers.  Place each piece in pan and cook about four mins each side.

Serve with maple syrup and fresh strawberries.

I know how much you all love my cooking and, no worries, I’ll still be making food a few times a week. I just won’t be eating it. BOO. But I’ll be back to eating after my weigh-in on Novemer 1st. YAY! But if you are on a diet and struggling, I leave you with this.

This is real, I kid you not. It’s an actual advertisement in a magazine from the 40’s or 50’s. The girl who calls me and assumes I’m eating gave it to me. Yeah, my friends are pretty dang awesome :)